From Pain to Preaching..

I feel like I'm consistently drawn back to the story of Saul's conversion.

A story of redemption, mercy, grace, and true repentance.

In verses 1-8, we read about how Saul threatened and slaughtered those bearing the name of  Jesus. On  his way to Damascus, a light came from heaven, and a voice asked Saul why he persecuted against Him (Jesus.) This frightened Saul and he asked what he needed to do. Jesus told him to go to Damascus and he would understand there, Then he was blinded and had to be led in to the city.

Verse 9 days he dwelt there for 3 days without sight,  food, or drink.

In verses 10-16 about where Jesus called Ananias to go minister to Saul. Ananias knew of the evil that Saul had done to saints, but Jesus told Ananias that Saul was a chosen vessel and that he needed to go to him.

In verses 17-19, Saul is filled with the Holy Spirit, his eyes  are opened, and he was baptized. 

Now- here is the part that changed my life this morning.

I battled with an immense amount of guilt. Of course, I rest in the promise that when I asked for forgiveness and made a life style change, that He accepted that sincerity and granted me repentance for my sins; however, every day I battle with this voice that says,  'Congrats! You made a lifestyle change for 3 weeks. Doesn't  mean you  are good with God still. Change isn't 3 weeks.. it requires more time than that. You want God's favor?   Keep this change up for a few months.. a few years,' Now, I'm not saying God is telling me this. I'm saying a negative voice is speaking this to me and then guilt overwhelms me and I think, 'Okay, maybe that's  right. Maybe I need to do something more for repentance to be active in my life.  Maybe grace hasn't kicked in yet...'

So,  yesterday, I spent time weeping before God, asking for a Word from Him concerning grace. I was desperate for it. My aching heart needed it.  I begged for Him to send it... for Him to have someone else send me a Word, but it never came. I  felt like that negative voice was right. Maybe he couldn't even really speak to me any more. Maybe I was so far past that , it  was going to take months or years to get back to that place. 

Then this morning, 'Because of Who You Are' came on and I was privileged enough to just sit here in His presence. And He hit me like a ton of bricks  with this chapter.

As I previously said, verses 17-19, Saul is converted. He is baptized with the Holy Ghost and with water. He is changed.

And guess what he does between verses 19 to 20??

HE PREACHES THE GOSPEL.

He doesn't spend 4 chapters of the Bible wallowing in self pity. He doesn't let guilt and shame eat him alive. He doesn't spend countless hours trying to earn the grace, mercy, and repentance of God.  From the moment of conversion to the next verse, he starts preaching the Word of God. Sure, in verse 21, he had the people that were throwing his past in his face, but verse 22 says that he increased more in strength.

He didn't let his past stop him from his future. He didn't spend time wondering if his repentance really worked. He didn't toil  over what he had done.. he simply moved forward.. immediately. He accepted God's forgiveness, grace, and mercy... and that's all he needed .

God, please help me to stop wondering if repentance really worked because it has only been weeks.. not months or years. Please stop letting me feel anguish over the past.. please help me to realize that even if I don't feel deserving of Your grace and mercy, that You still pour it out on us, Please help me  to understand that true forgiveness is turning your back on sin.. and if I have done that with a genuine heart, then You truly forgive me. I love you and I want to be a vessel for you. Thank You for Your word today concerning Saul/.Paul. My soul desperately needed it.

Proverbs 31 Woman: Day 3- Do Good (And Make as Little Fuss As Possible)

Proverbs 31:12 states

She will do him good and not evil
all the days of her life. (AKJV)

As long as she lives, she does him good and never harm (GNT)

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (NLT)

According to the dictionary, 'good' is described as: that which is morally right, righteousness, morality, integrity, virtue.

'Bad' is described as: unpleasant, disagreeable, negligent,  miserable, careless

She will be morally right with integrity and virtue-- she will not be disagreeable, negligent, miserable, and careless.

I'll be honest with you here.

I haven't always been an upstanding wife (or person in general) but definitely not always a virtuous wife.

I swear, it was like I found pleasure in arguing about anything. I had this defensive nature where if I heard any kind of criticism, I was ready to just start yelling right there. Horrible attitude. A smart alec, if you will. I look  back at the woman that I have been and cringe with some memories. How many arguments could have been avoided if I hadn't been unpleasant, disagreeable, negligent, careless, and miserable. if I would have had compassion, integrity, a soft nature, a kind heart.

Proverbs 17:22 says, 'A merry heart doeth good like medicine.'

A merry heart heals situations, not a miserable heart.

I read a quote on Pinterest yesterday that says, "Do all the good you can and make as little fuss about it as possible."

This hit home for the miserable person i used to be. If I was sitting down  at home and someone asked for something, I remember saying, "Can I just sit for two seconds!!!" or when I actually got up to do the task, I would make a big deal about it. Who cared that I was doing anything good for my family-- my  attitude and heart were awful!!! 

Today, lets all do all the good we can and make as little fuss about it as possible. Lets have merry,compassionate, kind hearts. Lets let go of our miserable, disagreeable natures. If someone  is upsetting you, have a soft answer to avoid that potential argument. It is so worth it for our hearts!!!

Proverbs 31 Woman: Day 2- Trustworthy

While reading about the  Proverbs 31 woman last night, I came across a quote that states:

"The Proverbs 31 woman isn't so much a lesson on getting up early, sewing clothes, buying a field, or achieving perfection. The heart of the matter is that she was dedicated to walking in virtue. She cared deeply for her husband and children. She put the needs of her family before her desires. She was a woman of noble character who walked by faith. My guess is, she wasn't perfect- none of us are. But she was ready and willing to be perfect by God." (Darlene Schacht)

This  is important to remember as we are on our Proverbs 31 journey. God doesn't require perfection. He just wants to see us striving to be the best version of ourselves possible. If you have a bad day as a wife, mother, friend, coworker, person..... just pick yourself back up and start fresh tomorrow.

Now, as I always say-  I didn't go to bible college. I'm not ordained. Up until a few weeks ago, I  was in a sin-fueled life style. So, when I write all of this, please don't think that  I  have my life completely together and that I'm preaching this information to anyone.  Honestly, this is more for me  than anyone else... I WANT to become a better person through studying and reading His Word. This blog has become an outlet for me on this journey and I can only hope that it blesses someone else along the way.

The first characteristic of the virtuous woman we are going to be talking about is: trustworthiness

Trustworthy means reliable, dependable, honest, honorable, upright, principled, true, truthful, ethical.

In Proverbs 31:11, we read, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." (ESV)

Proverbs 31:11- "Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it." (The Message)

Her husband trusts her without [distance, inhibition, doubt, hesitation, limitation] and he never has a reason to regret it.

Now, it is important to remember here that the Proverbs 31 woman is a trustworthy person in general. Even if you aren't married, you can still push yourself to be reliable, dependable, and faithful in all other aspects of your life. 

Is there someone that you haven't been trustworthy towards? is there someone that you haven't been dependable or reliable to? Is there an activity that you haven't  been 100% reliable towards? Have you only given half of your heart to something? have you let other things take the place of worship? Today is the day to face that head on.  Today is the day to work on trustworthiness.  Do you need to apologize to someone? To yourself? Do you need to spend more time with someone? Today is here-- and trustworthiness can be within our reach if we are willing to work on it.

While  praying about this blog last night, one thing Jesus kept telling me was this:

Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. (the Message)

Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;  and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct thy paths.

If we TRUST God. If we SEEK God in EVERYTHING. If we TALK to Him before doing anything. If we LISTEN for His voice in EVERYTHING.... we will be trustworthy people because He would never lead us in to a situation that wasn't for our good!!

To be trustworthy, we must first trust. Trust the King to lead you in the perfect direction for your life. Through trusting Him, through talking to Him... through repenting to Him... your life can be pure and lead to an honest, reliable, truthful lifestyle.

As we end this blog, I want to share a beautiful prayer I  saw on Pinterest that can be spoken  for anyone we love, but I  am praying it over my husband today. I am striving to be the best me possible and one way that can be done is through praying for the other half of me.

"l pray that despite anything that he might have gone through in the past that you would make his  story  one of victory. In  Jesus name,Amen."

Becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman

One of my steps towards becoming a better person is becoming a better wife and mother. These 4 people are my purpose- they are the people I am around 24/7 and I want to be the best example I can possibly be for them. I was  reading through some information on becoming a 'godly woman' today and I read about the Proverbs 31  woman, Now, many moons ago, I had the privilege of memorizing these verses for Bible Quizzing, but I don't think I've read them, or sadly, even thought about them in 10+ years.

Now, I'm not an ordained minister. I haven't studied at Bible college. I'm not a teacher. I'm probably not even worth enough to sit here and write all of this, honestly. But I am someone that wants to grow and be the best version of myself possible. One way I want to do this is by studying the Proverbs 31 woman. So, for the next 31 days, I want to study, read, and write about the various characteristics of this precious woman... and as I am studying, reading, and writing... I  want to work on those certain characteristics each day.

Proverbs 31:10 states, 'Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

In the dictionary, virtuous can be described as "conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright." 

Now, this isn't to say that the Proverbs 31 woman was perfect. She was simply trying-- pushing towards moral excellence. 

A woman striving for moral excellence- a woman seeking to be ethical and upright-- she is worth more than rubies. 

God, help me to be this woman. Guide me with my morals.. guide me with my ethics. Continue to work on my heart so that I can walk in a way that is good and perfect in Your sight!

A Witness.

In the book  of Acts, we read about the apostle Paul and his mission to tell every single person about the joy and restoration that can be found in Jesus Christ. Most will remember that the apostle Paul was once Saul- a man who once slaughtered those that came in the  name of Jesus, but found redemption and mercy on a road to Damascus. God  changed the entire course of his life as well as the very nature of his heart. He had a personal encounter with Jesus Christ that allowed him to experience the beauty and boldness of the Holy Spirit.

In chapter 14, we read about where Paul is preaching in Iconium. The men and women gathered there  began believing that the gods were now men and Paul quickly stated - I am just a man here preaching to you  about turning to God! He made everything and wants a relationship with you. When  He left, he made sure He left a witness of the good that He did while He was here.

That verse continues to work on my soul.

Acts 14:17-yet He did not leave Himself without some witness [as evidence of Himself], in that He kept constantly doing good things and showing you kindness, and giving you rains from heaven and productive seasons, filling your hearts with food and happiness.” (AMP)

Acts 14:17- And yet he left not himself without witness, in that he did good and gave you from heaven rains and fruitful seasons, filling your hearts with food and gladness. (ASV)

Acts 14:7- Nevertheless he left not himself without witness, in that he did good, and gave us rain from heaven, and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness. (AKJV)

In the Bible, a witness is described as "one who testifies by act or word to the truth." It is those who testify about Jesus Christ with their words, their life. 

Jesus didn't die for our sins and rise again without leaving witnesses of the miracles and redemption He offers us. In the Bible, he used men and women that were simply willing vessels. They weren't perfect. They committed their fair share of mistakes. But they knew the love of God and they definitely knew and understood the mercy of God.

My only hope right now- in the midst of my brokenness and lack of deserving any type of grace-  is that I  can be a witness for Jesus Christ. That people will notice the changes in me that were caused by His mercy and compassion-- and they will turn to Him and His power.

I wish i could show all of you  the dark place I was in. My close friends can attest to it. I was stuck in this pit. This pit of bitterness and strife and depression and anxiety and turmoil. And it had nothing to do with my family,my home, my friends... and it had everything to do with me. I was clinging to anything I could to heal this pain inside. This pain  caused by hypochondria and anxiety. One glass of wine was enough, then it turned to two.. then there would be nights that I needed 4-5 glasses of wine to feel relaxed and at peace. I was becoming dependent on it to function- to feel good-  to smile- to relax. Not only did I become dependent on alcohol but I also became dependent on my phone. I was on it constantly. I felt like I HAD to keep my attention on something-- Facebook, games,  Instagram, Youtube. I didn't focus on my husband, my kids, my house. Everything was suffering because I was ONLY SURVIVING. There was zero living. Only trying to get through the day. How sad is that???? Just trying to get through the day when Jesus came for us to have LIFE and an ABUNDANCE of it!!!!

And  then one night, I remember laying in bed and all that brokenness came pouring out of me. I knew I was meant for a life that reflected Him and every day I ran from it was only causing more misery and more pain. This might sound crazy to some of you, but I swear that night, I felt God changing my heart. He was releasing guilt. He was releasing  pain. He was granting mercy. He was sending down grace and love... and everything within me changed! He gave me a craving for His Word, a craving for the quiet, still moments in the morning. He gave me peace in  His promises--- that He won't leave  me or forsake me!! When I feel that anxiety creeping up on me while I'm  driving or out somewhere, one breath of His name.. one worship song.. one memory of a scripture.. He wraps those sweet arms around me and calms me. If you would have asked me one month ago if I would take all 3 of my kids in to Dollar General alone during the day by myself, I would have laughed at you and my breathing would have quickened just thinking about the anxiety. NOW????? His peace is strong in my life-- I don't even think about it!

And when I think  about this stuff-- when  I think about where I've been-- this is why I can't help but be a WITNESS of His peace!!! of His grace! His mercy! It is why I want to wrap my arms around every single person that struggles with anxiety, depression, and hypochondria and tell them that you can find peace in Jesus Christ. IT IS THERE. You  don't have to drink to feel better.You don't have to take your blood pressure every day   to rest in  a peace of  mind about your health.You don't have to feel alone. I am living, breathing proof of it. And I never thought i would  be... but now, I want to be a witness of how AMAZING Jesus Christ is!!!

This is nothing of my own  doing. I'm a  mess on my own, trust me. I put my hope in so much stuff that had nothing to do with Jesus. Some days. I have to pray  for the chains of guilt and shame to be washed away from my heart. But He always finds me there and meets me with undeserving mercy and grace. I'm nothing in this world, but i just hope that this blog  of my  thoughts and feelings can touch one person and remind them of His peace, mercy, grace, and compassion.I hope this blog can be used as a witness of all the good things He has put in my life... and a witness of all the bad He's taken away!!!

A witness.
That's all I want to be.

The Only Thing I Know

In John chapter 9, we read about a blind man that was healed by Jesus. He was crying out for a healing and Jesus placed  clay on his eyes and had him go wash off in the pool of Siloam. When those that knew of the blind man and how many years he endured this affliction saw that he had been healed, they began questioning him.

How were you healed?
Why did He do this on the Sabbath?
What do you call the man that healed you?

They even asked the blind man's parents questions.

Is this your son?
Was he blind from birth?
How can he see now?

Then the went back to interrogating the blind man?

And this is where the scriptures lit a fire in this seeking-change spirit of mine.

John 9:24, the Pharisees told the blind man that he should be giving God the praise because the man that 'supposedly' healed him was merely a sinner.

And the blind man said:

"He answered and said, Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see." (KJV)

He replied, “I know nothing about that one way or the other. But I know one thing for sure: I was blind . . . I now see.” (The Message)

The man answered, “I don’t know if he is a sinner. But I do know this: I was blind, and now I can see.” (ESV)

I feel like the blind man in my own life.

I can picture him  saying- Look, i don't know much of anything. I don't have all the answers. I don't know why He healed me. I don't know why He picked me. I don't know why He loves me so much. I have no answers for you- the ONLY thing I know is I once was blind and now I  can see. That's it.

I'm there. I'm there.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have it altogether. I don't know why He finally heard my cry and helped me with my hurtful ways. i don't know why He loves me so much  when I've done nothing to deserve it. I don't know why He gave me mercy and grace when I clearly deserved nothing good. I don't know much of anything. I don't even know why He still lets me feel His presence or take in His Word. i'm just a broken, lost person trying to find my way to Him and a life of eternal happiness.........


the ONLY thing I do know is that he healed me and He saved me. 
the ONLY thing I do know is that I was blind-- and He let me see the error in my ways.
the ONLY thing i do know is that I was SO SO SO lost... and He found me in the terrible, dark pit I wasin.
the ONLY thing I know is that I feel Him and He's changing me.

That's the only thing I know.
And I trust it.

Word of __________________________

The book of John was on our schedule to begin reading today. I have always loved the first chapter of John because it reminds me why we LOVE the Word of God so much-- why we find power, strength, peace, and mercy in it.

Reading John 1:1 caused me to weep this morning- I love His Word. It has always been a rescue.. an escape for me for as long as I can remember (I just forgot for a period of time....) And this verse is a constant reminder that the Word IS HIM. Reading it, studying it, embracing it, living it-- it's all time spent with Him.

John 1:1- In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. (GW)

John 1:1- In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. (NIV)

John 1:1- In the beginning [before all time] was the Word ([a]Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. (AMP)

My parents bought me a study Bible Christmas 2005 and it breaks down the scriptures beautifully. After this verse, it states, "Just as a person's words reveal his or her mind, Christ as 'the Word' reveals the heart and mind of God."

Jesus' words - the kindness and wisdom that oozed out of Him - reflected God and thus He was described as portraying 'the Word of God.'

If our words (what we say in our daily lives- with our friends, our families, by ourselves, to our children...) defined us as a person, what would we be called??

Jesus= Word of God
Alyssa= Word of _________

What energy am I bringing forth with my words?? What would I be described as?  

Inappropriate? Malicious? Miserable? Uncompassionate? Selfish? Egotistic? Disgusting?

or

Faithful? Loving? Peaceful? Wise? Caring? Compassionate? Forgiving? Humble? 

The words that go from my mouth...

What would I be nicknamed if they chose the nickname?

Word of Conceitedness?
Word of Lies?
Word of Gossip?
Word of Hate?
Word of Bitterness?

or

Word of Truth?
Word of Love?
Word of Hope?
Word of Quiet?
Word of Forgiveness?

God, let me be the latter.

Let Your voice flow through me so that if anyone were to speak ill of me, no one would believe it. Let my words make me a better person FOR YOU. Let me be a light. A positive voice.

I have been horrible with my words over the past few years.  So undeserving of a second chance. But seeking a change- let me emit good with every thing that flows from my lips!