Marriage: The Ultimate Classroom

I'm stubborn. Fine, I'll go ahead and admit that right now. It's not something I'm exactly proud of, but it's what I deal with in this thick-head of mine! I have a hard time admitting I'm wrong, I have a hard time compromising... oh, yes, I'm quite fun to have a relationship with ;)  I have struggled with this stubbornness all of my life, but it really reared it's ugly, ugly head when I got married. My parents had the final say in our comprises... in our arguments, etc. There was no arguing about that. But now, now that I'm married, I felt like I was on level playing ground.... E is my partner. We're equals. There's not one person who's 'allowed' to have the final say, so why not argue about how I feel about EVERYTHING right? Right.
Wrong. Wrong in the matter of-- I shouldn't feel the need to argue about everything. (Not wrong in the matter that we aren't 'partners.')
I'm basically writing the following blog to get my feelings out about marriage. To get my head on straight. To put my feelings out there. To see what others think, feel, etc.
I've been married to Ethan since December 28th, 2010 (so almost 5 months), but we've been living together for 13 months. We have spent the past year learning about one another.. our likes, our dislikes (what buttons to press... and oh yes, we have MASTERED that subject haha!) And I'll be honest. At the beginning of our 'living together,' I gave in about everything. Ethan was Mr. Popular. Absolutely adorable. I thought giving in was a sure fire way of keeping him around.. and who wouldn't want Mr. Popular on their hip, right? ;) But as time progressed and we got closer to one another, we fell into deeper love and I realized I no longer needed to agree to having 3 dirt bikes sitting in our kitchen since we didn't have a garage. I realized I no longer needed to agree that he NEEDED a motorcycle because 'everyone else had one.' That's right-- I finally came to the realization that he was in love with me and surely wasn't going anywhere, so why not voice my opinion right?
And I'm still stuck there, sadly. Please don't get me wrong, folks. I'm not saying women shouldn't have a say in the house, in the finances, etc. I'm saying--- PICK YOUR BATTLES. I'm guilty of becoming a nag here recently. And I'll smack any of you who repeat this to my husband, haha! But it's true. I nag him about EVERY purchase that he makes. And they're all 'subtle' nags (yes, I've gotten quite good at this game!) "Do you really need that?" "How much does that cost?" "What are you going to do with THAT?" "Oh, joy!"... and the list goes on! And no wonder my husband reacts the way he does. Why do I HAVE to nag him so much about things? If we have the money, why can't he splurge and buy a new pair of shoes? (Of course, if he's doing some excessive spending, I will still speak my mind...) But why should I 'nag' him so much, right? *Alyssa hammers that thought into her head* Note to self: I need to work on this!
Speaking of which: I know what pushes my husband's buttons. (And he of course knows what pushes mine... and utilizes that to his advantage at times, haha!) I know exactly what to say to fuel the fire. I know exactly what to say to grate his nerves. It's hilarious at times how well I know him, but not so funny that I use those weapons during fights. Let them go, Alyssa! Arguing would go 10x smoother if I let that stuff go, darn it!
We also have this problem with not walking away from one another when arguments are brewing. It'd be simple right? One go to the bedroom and relax for a few, the other chill in the living room listen to some music... come back when our heads are cleared. We know it works! There have been moments where I've been grocery shopping and he's been at home... we argued on the phone... said 'love you, goodbye' harshly.. hung up the phone... I drove 20 minutes home.. walked through the door... he wrapped his arms around me... we apologized.. and that was the end! Simple! Gosh, why can't we learn that either!! We can't walk away from one another at home. We hash it out.. and hash it out... and hash it out.. and it lasts.. and it lasts... and it lasts... when I'm sure walking away from the fight would have helped it resolve in under 20 minutes. Silly geese!
Another thing I have been battling with here recently: JEALOUSY. I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I just had a baby and I don't find myself looking my 'best.' I'm working on it, but I'm not quite there yet. Somehow I got stretchmarks. It was unbelievable. Even my doctor was shocked. At my last appointment (38 weeks, 4 days), he commented on how great my tummy looked-- no stretchmarks, no middle line! I was even shocked. The day after I delivered Tayler, I walked into the bathroom, undid my robe, and BAM-- stretchmarks AND a line. OH MY GOSH, WHAT HAPPENED! I even cried. E said 'I noticed it after you delivered her, but I didn't say anything.' Yes, I was devastated. I thought I avoided those love marks, but nope, they are there....... all around my lower tummy. Lovely. So, nope, no more bikini. And nope, no more confidence. I've been trying to work on feeling 'sexy' again, but mercy, it's hard. Ethan tells me all the time that he finds me more attractive now than before, but I just struggle with finding that extremely hard to believe. How? Before I weight 135 pounds, had abs, was tan... now: I'm pale, I'm 146 pounds, with pudge and stretchmarks. I know it was all out of an act of selflessness and love, but my self-confidence still struggles. ESPECIALLY when I see girls that look PERFECT. And then I always wonder... "Will E find someone more attractive one day? Will he eventually want to leave so he can be with someone with a tight tummy? What if he no longer finds 'this' attractive?" And I get jealous. And let me tell you-- jealousy will EAT your relationship alive. It's been hurting ours here lately, but I have no idea how to get over it. I have no idea how to find that confidence again. I suppose it will just take time. I keep telling myself that I just had a baby 7 weeks ago, but unfortunately, my heart doesn't hear that :( 
Another struggle: Resentment. Here's the deal- my husband can pick up and go whenever. I'm the momma. I'm home with Tayler quite often and the beauty of that is that he knows I'll be here taking care of her. He can go for a ride on his motorcycle. Hang out with friends. Grab a beer down the road. Run errands. But me? It takes me 45 minutes to just get ready to leave. If she is going to need to eat soon, I have to stay home to be sure that she gets fed prior to going on a road trip (since that's a little unsafe to do in the car ;)). I have to pack the items we need for the afternoon. Do I need to put milk in a bottle? Will I be somewhere she can be fed? Do I need to pack a jacket? What about a blanket? Since we live in Ohio, it can be 85 degrees in the AM and drop to 50 in the PM. You just never know. What car am I taking? What car seat is in there? Do I need the stroller? Where are my keys? Is my phone charged? Do I have an extra binky? How's her diaper before I head out the door? Does my diaper bag need 'reloaded?' Oh, I'm serious... these are the questions I ask myself before walking out the door! That's not including making sure she's dressed, dressing myself, putting on my make-up... And so, resentment hits my heart. Now, don't look at me like a bad mom. I LOVE being a mommy and I LOVE my daughter, but there are times I wish I could be as care free as E. I wish, sometimes, I could just run to meet friends real quick for a beer at the local bar & grill. (And I'm not saying I wish my daughter away.. hear me out here..) At times, I wish I could just go for a 20 minute drive without having to pack anything at all... But I don't get that like he does. And so, I resent him for it. I'll admit-- I get bitter. And once again, that KILLS a relationship. I'm working on it. He and I have talked about my heart and my feelings... We're working on it, but still... bitterness can poison a marriage if you allow it.
Bottom line: Marriage opened my eyes so much. In my head, I thought I was this perfect little wifey. I thought I had it all down pat-- cook a meal, clean the house. Whoo-hoo! We got this. But it's SO much more than that. It's compromise. It's letting go of some things. It's being selfless. It's saying you're sorry. It's hugging when you want to scream. It's kissing when you want to walk away. It's knowing that the good times are worth having to go through the bad times (and trust me, they'll come--- financially, emotionally, etc.) Marriage is time consuming, but having your best friend by your side is priceless.