The Undercover Edge by Derrick Levasseur

I bought 'The Undercover Edge' by Derrick Levasseur on January 9th and finished it this morning. I had a hard time putting it down (in the 30-60 minutes I get a day to do something else besides laundry, dishes, cry, listen to children cry, watch 'Peppa Pig', etc. LOL) I was discussing the book with someone earlier this week and the first question they asked me was, "Would you have even read the book had he not won 'Big Brother' or been on 'Big Brother' for that matter?"

And the truth of the matter is this-- 'The Undercover Edge' reaches much deeper than simply a man relaying how he won one of the greatest TV shows (I'm allowed to interject a little opinion, right? ;)) of our time. If someone would have suggested this book to me and I had no idea who Derrick Levasseur was, I would still have finished the book in a week because I *needed* the book-- regardless of who wrote it.

I needed 'The Undercover Edge.'

As you probably guessed from my previous paragraph, I'm a stay at home Mother of three young children and truth be told-- since first having a baby 7 years ago-- I've kind of lost myself in a way. I don't know who I am anymore outside of changing diapers, making dinner, washing loads of dishes, organizing, putting toys away.

And not only that - but from September 2008-December 2008, I didn't leave my house. Not once. I quit my job. I dropped out of college. I was bound by my demon called anxiety. I couldn't even bring myself to pull out of my driveway. Every time I did, I felt like I was going to pass out. Anxiety had taken over. And to this day, I still find myself struggling with it. I still find it difficult to leave my house some days- the only difference is, I have children that are in school, I have a fridge that needs food.... I HAVE to leave the house. There's no option at this point in my life.

So, here I was-- starting 'The Undercover Edge' on January 11, 2018, not knowing how it was going to change the course of my life.

The first thing I took from 'The Undercover Edge' was: WHO I AM.

Levasseur mentions Carl Jung on page 11 of his book and it peaked my interest. After doing a bit of research, I was able to locate a personality test Jung created. (LINK HERE) It felt like the first step towards truly understanding myself. My 30-year old self. My 30-year old, mother of three self. Not knowing who *I* am means I don't know my strengths.. I don't know my weaknesses.. I don't know what my first step should be. Levasseur stated, "By confronting our shortcomings, we can usually gain some measure of control over them, and more often than not we can make significant improvements." And as someone that has been struggling with anxiety since she was 13 years old, I would say I need to make significant improvements- which all starts with me knowing who I really am. Something I didn't even think about until I picked up this book.

After taking the personality test, I found out I am "The Advocate"- INFJ. I couldn't believe how well this described me and gave me motivation. It described my strengths as being: creative, insightful, inspiring, convincing, decisive, and determined. It described my weaknesses as being: overly sensitive, extremely private, a perfectionist, have to have a cause, and burns out easily. This test hit the nail on the head-- and now I knew what I needed to sit down and work on. Honestly- perfectionism, being sensitive, and being extremely private are all roots of my anxiety. So scared of falling short, so scared of messing up, wearing my heart on my sleeve, getting discouraged by little things, and then not sharing this pain with others.

Once I identified these strengths and weaknesses-- Derrick encouraged me to look inside myself and figure out what my motivation is. Levasseur states, "You have to accept that in most cases, people need to feel that their actions are beneficial to them." (Page 36) Being a stay at home Mom, I struggle with my purpose-- and I struggle with finding my motivation. Of course, I take care of my husband, my children, and my house--- BUT, what's my motivation for taking care of ME? What is my motivation for utilizing my strengths and healing my weaknesses?

My motivation should be my soul. My spirit. My overall mental health. In chapter 3, Leveasseur discusses taking care of our bodies- our physical health, our mental health, our spiritual health. This should be my motivation. I need to take control of my weaknesses, take control of my mental health, overcome my weaknesses so I am mentally healthy and stable.

I have struggled with mental health as long as I can remember. I wish I could relay all that life has thrown at me, but I'll save that for a rainy day. I'm in constant battle every single day to be in control of my mind- and that should be my motivation alone. Take it back. Take my mind back. Take my spirit back.

And one way I can try and accomplish this task is by listening. I have been trying to take every thing Levasseur spoke in this book and grow from it. Listening has also been one of my greatest weaknesses. I know I didn't technically 'hear' Derrick speak these words, but I believe taking these words and applying them to my life is listening all the same. Leveasseur states, "Do remind yourself to listen carefully. Do take a second before responding to gain additional information.... Don't think of listening as an obligation. It's an opportunity to gather intelligence." (Page 88) One thing about dealing with mental health troubles for the past 17 years is this: I stopped listening to others. I began thinking "They have no idea what they're talking about..." "I know more than they do about this mental health problem... they won't offer me a thing!" And the sad thing is-- I hindered my own growth by thinking this. Reading "The Undercover Edge" opened my mind to this. I don't progress. I don't learn how to cope because I don't take the time to listen. I think I know it all. This chapter convicted my heart and made me realize how much progress I've delayed because of stubbornness and a lack of truly listening. I had to really open up my heart and my mind and see the person I AM versus the person I could BE if I would just be quiet and hear the words in this book!

Listening has hindered progress, but so has the lack of being a true leader... a true example. I have always desired to be an advocate for those struggling with anxiety, hypochondria, and depression. I wanted to be that person that said: I've been there before! I haven't left my house for 90 days straight... and I'm now a proud Mother of three children that takes trips to the grocery store and drives our children to school every morning. But the truth of the matter is- I haven't been the greatest example of healthy coping. It was just 9 months ago that I found myself drinking 8-9 bottles of wine a week to just relax in my own home. I was starting to drink at 10AM just to make it through the day. As soon as I brought my children home from school, I popped another bottle. It was becoming the only way I could function. Levasseur states in chapter seven, "People learn better when they have an example to follow." (Page 135) And once again, conviction struck me. I'm trying to be an advocate for those struggling with mental health disorders and my coping mechanism is alcohol? Not an example. Not a woman trying to take hold of her weaknesses and build them up. Not a woman striving to empower others. Not a woman listening to what others were telling her (find a healthier way to cope.)

I want to be an inspiration to others- not an example of what not to become. Levasseur states, "By definition, it's a leader's responsibility to inspire others. You accomplish this fundamental duty by loving what you do and letting others see your enthusiasm." (Page 144) Coping with alcohol. Letting my weaknesses take hold of me. Not listening. All of these were terrible examples-- and not at all what a leader should be doing. When I should have been with friends inspiring them to be the best versions of themselves, I was too busy being consumed by fear and panic-- which in turn led to me being too drunk to function much less inspire.

Alcohol, anxiety, hypochondria, and depression had taken over my life. I wasn't the woman I had aspired to be. I wasn't the best version of myself. The person I wanted my children to admire....

And then I opened 'The Undercover Edge.'

I realize it's only been 7 days since I pre-ordered it from Amazon Prime.
And I realize it's only been a few hours since I turned the last page...

But Levasseur gave me a drive like I haven't had in a long time to be a better..... me.

I've critiqued my character flaws.
I've asked myself who I want to be.
I've identified my weaknesses and embraced them.
I'm trying my hardest not to be a hypocrite and to be honest with all of you.
I've gone through adversity.
I've faced my demons.

Levasseur said it best- "Inspiration can be found almost anywhere. You can see it in a person, or learn it from their actions. You can find it in someone who's part of your life or someone you don't even know..." (Page 243)

I found it reading "The Undercover Edge." And I know you can too.

If you are struggling with mental health... If you are struggling with anxiety...If you are struggling with depression...If you are struggling with hypochondria.. If you are struggling with self-esteem or a sense of self...

pick this book up. You won't regret it.

I can't wait to share further progress with all of you-- and hopefully another blog about chasing my dreams... but that's for another time.