What If-

I feel like a broken record when it comes to talking about Autism.

I feel like no one wants to hear it anymore because no one can help me.

I feel like a burden to share my feelings with others.

I feel like I'm the worst mom in the world and I don't know how to stop those feelings.

I feel like I don't do enough and my child would be better with other people.

I feel like I have no idea how to handle Autism- no idea how to fix our daughter.

I feel like I'm struggling and drowning and screaming and crying for help.

And I feel like there's no help.

There's no answers.

There's no cure.

It's the same thing day after day.

And I don't know how to heal it.

How to heal her.

How to heal me.

How to heal our family.

All we have is brokenness.

Is the unknown.

Is frustration.

Is hopelessness.

Is absolute fear.

How do I handle her meltdowns when she's almost as big as me?

How do I handle her constant need to eat?

How do I handle her biting her arms?

And pinching me?

And wanting to hurt herself or others?

I'm lost.

I need answers.

I need hope.

I need to know that things get better.

I need to know that I'm capable of being a better parent of a child with Autism

because right now, I don't feel it at all.

I can't help her.

I can't fix this.

I can't make her whole.

I can't find a cure.

I don't even know how to stop simple things-

How can I one day control the big things?

And I feel like no one gets the vastness of this situation-

Of the struggles we face.

Of the bitterness and anger that overwhelms my soul-

Of what we have to watch our daughter go through.

I want to talk about it.

I want to share it.

But what do you do when you're sharing the same thing every day?

Because you have no idea how to fix it.

You try and you try.

But sometimes the things you NEED just aren't available at the time.

Right now, I find the solace I need at the bottom of a beer bottle.

And you can judge all you need to-

I get it.

I'd judge me too if I wasn't walking a thousand miles in my own shoes.

Shoes of complete desperation and confusion and the feeling of-

just not being enough.

Not enough for Autism.

Not enough for what comes with it.

Not enough for this journey.

Maybe one day that solace will come from the good book-

Or a dream-

Or the actual thing, a cure, falling into our laps.

But for now, it comes from things that quiet the torment

Of these demons-

The demons of "what if."

What if this is life as we know it.

What if we have to prepare to take care of our child for the rest of our lives-

And then prepare for someone else to take care of her for the rest of hers?

What if there's never a cure and she hurts herself continually, leaving marks, leaving a reminder?

What if this is the best I'll ever be because I don't know what I'm doing because you don't get taught

these things leaving an Autism clinic?

What if?

What if?

What if this brokenness never leaves?

What if this feeling of guilt refuses to depart?

What if?