Perfection. [Day 2]

I'll be honest with you.

I struggle with perfection.

I grew up with this notion that I had to be 'perfect' to find favor in God's eyes. Now, I'm not saying that people made me feel this way. But the way I perceived messages and discussions were that I needed to strive for perfection.. and if I lost my way, it was a long road to repentance.

I heard over and over again, 'Saying sorry to God means that you aren't going to do the same thing over and over again. That's true repentance.' So, when I would make a mistake... and then make the same mistake again... I felt defeated. I started getting this thinking of, 'Why even repent anymore? If this isn't true repentance because I keep doing the same thing over and over again, why even say I'm sorry? I need to get things right in my life, then maybe I won't make the same mistake over and over again.. then maybe I can seek His face for some kind of forgiveness.'

I found myself tossing and turning at night time with forgiveness. It plagued my thoughts. I couldn't understand it. 

Then, one night while all was quiet in my house, I received this revelation. Through tears and a heartfelt prayer, this Bible verse came to mind:

1 John 1:9- If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  

It doesn't say, "If we confess our sins when we know we aren't going to commit them again" and it doesn't say "If we confess our sins (only once because He doesn't allow you to go back and make them again.. that isn't true repentance.)

He says, "If we confess our sins, HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST TO FORGIVE US..."

He has GRACE.

That is what grace is all about, folks.

I heard a quote once that stated, "It's not the law of religion nor the principles of morality that define our highways and pathways to God; only by the Grace of God are we led and drawn, to God. It is His grace that conquers a multitude of flaws and in that grace, there is only favor. Favor is not achieved; favor is received.” [C. Joybell C.] 

Favor isn't achieved. You can't earn His love and you surely can't earn His forgiveness. He doesn't HAVE to give it. He WANTS to give it. 

Don't you dare let anyone make you feel like you can't talk to Him. Don't you dare let anyone make you feel like you have made the same mistake too many times. That would be a disgrace in the eyes of God. He died on a cross for your sins... no one can put stipulations on that. He wasn't whipped multiple times for you to commit a sin once. He didn't carry an old rugged cross through the streets for you to feel SHAME about a pass transgression. He wasn't nailed to a cross for you to struggle with perfection. He was crucified so you could know what FREEDOM feels like. He was crucified so you could know what REST feels like. He was crucified so you could know what NO BURDENS feel like! 

Don't let your sins or the burden of your sins weigh you down. And don't let others make you feel that way. You aren't perfect? PERFECT. You stumble and fall? PERFECT. You don't have it all together? PERFECT. YOU are who He came for! The 'church' isn't here for the perfect. They're here for those that need HIS help. It isn't about how good we are. It's about how good He is. Let go of those burdens today. Just keep trying... just keep swimming. There is nothing wrong with imperfections. That's what He came for. 

Matthew 11:28-  Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

One Touch [Day1]

I've been inspired in my heart to start writing devotionals. I'd love to be able to write them daily, but I don't know if I will have the time. (I know, I act like I am busy or something, lol!) I have been seeking God's face this morning because I have this inspiration, but I don't have anything pouring out of me to share with  you. The only thing He keeps blessing me with is the song 'One Touch' by Nicole C. Mullen. If you haven't heard it, I definitely recommend listening to it.

In this song, Nicole C. Mullen tells the story of the woman with the issue of blood. 

Matthew 9 describes a woman that had been subject to bleeding for 12 years. She was sick. And she was desperate. She had tried everything to find healing. She'd spent all of her money. Used all of her resources. In the song, Mullen tells it from the woman's perspective. She sings, "Been ostracized for 12 years, I'm used to being alone. Spent every thing I had and now it's gone. I'm used to being put down, my issues tell it all. My only hope is anchored in this fall..." 

She'd exhausted everything. She had no answer. She was cast away. No one wanted her. No one spent time with her. She was suffering... and was forced to do it alone. But she had heard about this Man named Jesus... and how He had a power unlike any other. She had FAITH. In Matthew 9, she said "If I only touch His cloak, I will be healed!" "If I could just touch the hem of His garment I know I'd be made whole. If I could just press my way through this madness, His love would heal my soul."

She had FAITH.

She pushed through a crowd of people to get her blessing. Was she afraid of their looks? Was she afraid of the words they would speak about her? I'm sure of it. We go through the same thing in today's society. "What will they think of me? What if they find out? Will they want to speak to me again? How will I look? I'm not pretty enough. I'm not outgoing enough. I'm not brave enough."

Are you in need of a miracle today? Do you need a financial blessing? A physical healing? An emotional restoration? If so, are you desperate enough to push past the hurtful people in your life? Are you desperate enough to push aside the hateful words people speak? How bad do you want that miracle? 

Take your faith... and use it. Run to Him! Touch Him! He's waiting for it... We know He can do it. We know He has the power. That isn't up for discussion. What is up for discussion is your faith in the matter. The woman with the issue of blood had an immense amount of faith. She didn't say, "Oh, I will just pray and hopefully He does it." She said, "I'm going to press my way through this crowd and I AM going to touch Him.. and I know He WILL heal me when I do!" 

As soon as she touched Jesus, He knew. He turned around... and saw this woman that had been left behind. This woman with scars. This woman with a less-than-perfect past. This woman with a need. He was merciful. He saw the pain. He saw the need. He saw the desperation.

And He healed.

She was healed in that one moment.

She was healed in that moment of faith.

Are you desperate for something today?

Well, you're in luck, because He sees it. He sees your hurt, baby. He sees your pain. Get up. Run to Him. Touch Him. Push through whatever pain and madness that is in your way. Are you desperate for something? Tell Him. Seek Him. Do whatever it takes to reach Him! If you want your miracle bad enough, you won't let anything stand in your way. She didn't....

and you shouldn't either, baby. Your too precious to Him to let anything stand between you . He loves you more than you could possibly imagine. Tell Him about your pain. Tell Him about the issue. Tell Him about your hurt. Tell Him about the struggles. He cares. He's listening.

Just touch Him. 

The Birth of Quinn Makenzie

DISCLAIMER: This is my labor story. For those of you that are currently pregnant or trying to conceive, please note that EVERY labor is different. What worked/happened/didn't work for me, may not work/not happen/work for you. Enjoy your own experience and don't be afraid of what happened with me. You will be different... one way or another.

Wednesday, May 1st, I went to my 39 week doctor's appointment. During the appointment, Dr. Wehrum checked me and told me I was dilated 1 and 50% effaced. I was relieved! I was FINALLY making progress!! He said, 'Now, you aren't going to have this baby today, but if you keep doing what you've been doing, I think you should have her by next Tuesday.' And so we went ahead and scheduled my 40 week appointment for Tuesday, May 7th. He said if I didn't have her by then, we would schedule an induction date. I was so happy that we at least had a plan of action!

Once we got home, I did some things around the house, then we took Tayler to the park. Once we got back home, I asked Ethan if he wanted to go on a walk. Of course, he said yes because I think he was just as anxious as me to get this baby out ;) So, we went walking around our little village. I kept telling him I felt like I had to pee really bad and finally, I couldn't take it. I said, 'We have to get back home. I have to pee really bad. I have SO much pressure!' I walked up on our front porch, turned, felt something kind of pop, and there it went.... my water broke. It was gushing! It was hysterical though because Ethan said, 'Oh my god. Are you peeing?' LOL I was like 'No, you goof! My water just broke.' He instantly was like, 'Okay. Oh my gosh. Okay. What do we do??' LOL So, we went inside, got things together, and hit the road. This was at 7:30PM. 

We got in the car and headed up the road to the hospital. I tried to call my parents about 17 times and no one would answer, haha! I was getting so frustrated, LOL! I was telling Ethan, 'Here I am, 39 weeks pregnant and no one has their phones turned up!!!!' LOL!! :) My mom texted me and said she was at the funeral and wanted to know if I needed anything. I texted her, 'Don't make a scene, but my water just broke. We are headed to the hospital.' She immediately called me back and said she was on the way. Then my dad called me and said, 'Saw I have missed a ton of phone calls. Everything okay?' and so I repeated the story and he said he was on the way LOL

They arrived shortly after I was admitted and to my room. I was already having contractions so they were trying to get things done quickly. I was dilated '2' and 50% effaced when I was admitted around 8PM. I stayed there until about midnight and they finally got pitocin going to try and help me out. When I arrived, I told the nurses that I went quickly with my daughter. I didn't see 6, 7, 8, or 9... just went from a 5 to a 10 in 10 minutes so when I say I NEED the epidural, we have to make it quick.

Around 3AM, my contractions started to get REALLY bad. They came to check me and said I was dilated '4' and about 80% effaced... they said I could definitely have the epidural now if I wanted it. I was begging for it. I don't know why, but the contractions this time around felt SO much worse than they did with Tayler. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was be frustrated and cry. I was ready for relief. Contractions were lasting over a minute.. and were coming at every 2 minutes, so I wasn't able to relax at all.

Well, bless their hearts. They tried to do the epidural. They had me hooked up and we were waiting for my fluids before they could give it to me. I told her I had to pee, so they let me up for that... and while I was using the bathroom, I started feeling the urge to push. I'm not even kidding. This was about 10 minutes after they said I was dilated '4.' 

I came out of the bathroom, sat on the bed to go through a contraction, and my stomach started pushing... I was ready. I looked at the nurse (who had only been on that particular floor for 2 weeks, bless her heart) and I said, 'I have to push.' She just stared at me and said, 'You're kidding?' I laid back and the waters started gushing... Yes, I was ready. 

She ran and got the head nurse who came running in and checked me. She said, 'Dear heavens, you are 9.5 almost 10.. Okay.. Baby is coming!'

This was about 3:20AM.

They started running around getting things ready and they just kept telling me, 'Don't push.' For anyone that has had that urge.. it's hard to just NOT push! They kept saying over and over... 'Don't push. Just blow away the pain like a birthday candle.' I remember saying, 'I can't blow away the pain!!! I want to push!!! She's coming!!' But they told me Dr. Wehrum was in the middle of a c-section and I had to keep it together for just a moment longer. It felt like time was passing SOOOO slowly. 

Finally, around 3:45am, I saw Dr. Wehrum walk through the door. They got my legs on the bars and we were ready to push. He told me to push 2 times and to give him a medium push and she was out. They said they didn't think I pushed for even 5 minutes... and she came in to this world at 3:50AM on May 2nd. She was 6lbs 12oz and 20" long. Perfect!

As she was coming in to this world, I knew something was wrong. They put an oxygen mask on me and said that baby's heartrate was dropping. Once she emerged, everyone was standing around and I remember just yelling, 'Is she okay??? What's wrong??? Is she alright??' and Ethan just kept saying, 'She has a lot of hair baby!' I didn't hear her crying... I was so upset it was unreal. Finally, I saw Dr. Wehrum lift her up and she started crying. It was such a relief. 

After, I learned that her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 2 times.. she was completely blue when she came out. Ethan said it was something he had never seen before.. He said he was so scared, but was trying to be brave so I didn't freak out.

I am so thankful Dr. Wehrum took such great care of my sweet miracle baby. I cannot imagine what life would be like without my sweet Quinnie being right here. I am also grateful that the nurses told me to hold the pushing in because they weren't equipped to handle it because what if I would have pushed? Would they have known how to handle the situation? 

When she came out, someone said that there had to be an angel watching out for my baby. It seems to fitting that a wise, God-fearing woman passed away only days before Quinn Makenzie came in to this world. I am so thankful that Someone was watching out for her. Our lives have been SO blessed since she arrived. Our family has so much more love to give... and so much more love to receive. I am in absolute heaven with having both of my girls home with us! 

Thank You Jesus for the miracle of Quinn Makenzie at 3:50am on May 2nd, 2013. My second miracle <3 br="">

39 Weeks Pregnant!

How far along? 39 Weeks

Total Weight Gain? 30 pounds. Better than when I was pregnant with Tayler.. LOL :)

Maternity Clothes?  Oh yes. Everything is maternity anymore. I am so ready to wear something other than like the 5 outfits I have that fit anymore LOL

Stretch Marks?  I had them with Tayler! lol 

Sleep?  Yes! Sleeping wonderfully :)

Best Moment of This Week:  Just getting closer to my due date! I am tired :)

Miss Anything? Comfortable sleep. Having a stiff drink after a stressful day LOL!!! Drinking a buttload of sweet tea. Having a skinny body lol!

Movement? Yes, she is soooo active! I know I will definitely miss that!

Food Cravings?  FREEZING COLD WATER! Mmmm :)

Anything Make You Queasy/Sick?  Poopy diapers. Trash. BLEH.

Gender: GIRL!! :) Our Quinn Makenzie!

Labor Signs?  Braxton Hicks... lots of contractions and back pain!

Symptoms: Constant peeing. Back pain. Braxton Hicks.

Belly Button In or Out?  She's OUT!

Weddings Rings On Or Off? Some days they are on.. some days they are off! :)

Happy or Moody this week? Very happy! :)

Looking Forward To: MY DUE DATE. 

Cheers to 39 weeks... on to my due date!!!

38 WEEKS PREGNANT!!

We are 38 weeks pregnant today [4.24.2013] Hard to believe we only have 14 days until our due date. This pregnancy has flown by! 

So what's a 38 week pregnant lady look like??

I feel like I look really tired in that picture. I feel it today, lol! I slept all night and when Tayler woke me up at 7AM... I felt like I hardly slept. I'm just worn out, haha! 

The Bump says that Quinn is the size of a Pumpkin this week. They estimate she is about 6.2-9.2lbs and about 18.9-20.9" long. The doctors seem to think she will probably be about 7.5lbs and about 20" long. 

We are finally all moved in to our new place if you couldn't tell by the surroundings of our newest picture :) We are completely ready for Quinn!! :) It's all up to her when she wants to make her grand entrance. 

I had an appointment yesterday and I am not dilated or effaced. The same thing happened with Tayler though, haha! I wasn't dilated or effaced at my 38 week appointment (I was 38 weeks 4 days) and my water broke two days later. Maybe we can hope the same thing for this baby?? :)

Alright, now for our 38 week questions.

How far along? 38 Weeks

Total Weight Gain? 30 pounds. Better than when I was pregnant with Tayler.. LOL :)

Maternity Clothes?  Oh yes. Pretty much everything I put on is maternity anymore, haha!

Stretch Marks?  I had them with Tayler! lol 

Sleep?  I have slept great this week.. just exhausted!

Best Moment of This Week:  Moving to a new place... and hearing Quinn's heartbeat. Nothing like that! 

Miss Anything? Comfortable sleep. Having a stiff drink after a stressful day LOL!!! Drinking a buttload of sweet tea. Having a skinny body lol!

Movement? Oh my heavens, yes! You can see it SO well on the outside anymore. Sometimes I feel like she's trying to break free, haha!

Food Cravings?  Subway

Anything Make You Queasy/Sick?  Poopy diapers. Trash. BLEH.

Gender: GIRL!! :) Our Quinn Makenzie!

Labor Signs?  Braxton Hicks... lots of contractions and back pain!

Symptoms: Constant peeing. Back pain. Braxton Hicks.

Belly Button In or Out?  She's OUT!

Weddings Rings On Or Off? Some days they are on.. some days they are off! :)

Happy or Moody this week? Very happy! :)

Looking Forward To: MY DUE DATE. 

Cheers to 38 weeks! On to 39 weeks! 

FULL TERM--- 37 WEEKS!

WE ARE OFFICIALLY FULL TERM!!!

That's right folks, as of April 17th, 2013.. we can have this baby at any time! :) (I know, I'm a little early, but we are closing on our house Thursday and we are packing up my computer tomorrow so I'm trying to get things done now!)

How far along? 37 Weeks

Total Weight Gain? 27 pounds. Better than when I was pregnant with Tayler.. LOL :)

Maternity Clothes?  Oh yes. Pretty much everything I put on is maternity anymore, haha!

Stretch Marks?  I had them with Tayler! lol 

Sleep?  It's hit and miss! But this week I have been so exhausted I have slept great.. just wake up in the morning with tons of aches and pains haha!

Best Moment of This Week:  Just spending time with my family! Can't believe we're almost a family of 4!

Miss Anything? Comfortable sleep. Having a stiff drink after a stressful day LOL!!! Drinking a buttload of sweet tea. Having a skinny body lol!

Movement? Oh my heavens, yes! You can see it SO well on the outside anymore. Sometimes I feel like she's trying to break free, haha!

Food Cravings?  Subway

Anything Make You Queasy/Sick?  Poopy diapers. Trash. BLEH.

Gender: GIRL!! :) Our Quinn Makenzie!

Labor Signs?  Braxton Hicks. That's about it!

Symptoms: Constant peeing. Back pain. Braxton Hicks.

Belly Button In or Out?  She's OUT!

Weddings Rings On Or Off? Some days they are on.. some days they are off! :)

Happy or Moody this week? Very happy! :)

Looking Forward To: Closing on our house Thursday and eventually seeing Quinn! 22 days or less!

Cheers to 37 weeks! On to 38!

The Awkwardness of Pregnancy

Oh yes.

When our friends first find out they're pregnant, we go in to our squeals and our 'It's the best time of your life' speeches. We go on and on about how beautiful it is and how there is nothing like feeling a little baby moving around in your belly. The smell of baby powder... the snuggles... the cuddles.. It's a true joy.

And honestly, that's all true...

but sometimes we forget a key part of pregnancy.

THE AWKWARDNESS.

Okay. Maybe it's just me and that's fine.. I'll be the first woman to admit it. It's awkward.

What part?

Well, let me first ask you the question-- how far along are you? First trimester? First baby? You're in for a treat.

I've had pap smears. Nothing new there. It's always been women that have given me a pap smear too. For some reason at my OB-GYN, nurses and nurse practitioners dish those bad boys out. But when you're pregnant... and you're far enough long... 

Get ready for

DILATION/EFFACEMENT CHECKS.

Oh, that's where the fun starts.

They give you a sheet about the size of a child's blanket and ask you to wait for the doctor. It's freezing in the room, so you'll probably be purple from the knees down... just waiting. 20 minutes will pass... the green light will still be on for him to come see you.. and you'll just be sitting there. By now, you'll probably have to pee... so you rock yourself back and forth and attempt to coax your still-in-the-womb infant in to NOT kicking your bladder. (They will.)

After 20 minutes or so.. maybe longer..  your doctor will enter the room. You'll lay back.. he'll ask you to scoot down to the end of the table (much like a pap smear) and he will insert his digits in to your *ahem* girly parts...  he says he is checking for dilation/effacement.. I think they are searching for my belly button because that's exactly how it feels.

He'll tell you what the verdict is and have you sit up. And then that's when the awkwardness REALLY starts to hit you... as you sit there with your child's blanket sized paper thin sheet.. and you wait.. he types your information in to the computer.. and you wait.. all the while knowing that this somewhat-stranger was just peering in to your vagina moments earlier. It's awkward. It's weird. He attempts to make small talk with you during the 10 minutes it takes him to type information in to the computer, but honestly, you'd prefer to just sit in silence. It's hard to talk about even the weather because it means you have to look him in the eye. So, you'll just sit there... feeling like you're at the end of a really bad one-night stand. 

Then he'll shake your hand like your a presidential candidate and walk out of the room.. leaving you in all of your awkwardness to put your underwear and pants on and try to get out of the room without having to make eye contact again.

Don't get me wrong. Pregnancy IS a beautiful thing. But lets not forget about the awkwardness of the situation either. Or like I said.. maybe it's just me.