Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Anxiety... and Peace

You know, the saying goes, “There's no such thing as the perfect soulmate. If you meet someone and you think they're perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction. 'Cause your soulmate is the person that pushes all your buttons, ticks you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your stuff." I didn't fully understand that quote until yesterday. As most people know, I struggle with anxiety.. especially when it comes with anything medical. I rarely go to the hospital to visit people. Some people ask me how I had two children and I simply say-- I go to the doctor appointments for them, not me.. and somehow it makes it slightly easier (although I still struggle with being nervous!) Well, as many as of you know, my dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday. He has a blood clot in his leg. Immediately I became overwhelmed with fear. For him.. and selfishly, for me. That was my dad. The person who would drop anything for me. I HAD to go see him, but how? How would I make myself go? What if I panicked? There's no escape route on the 3rd floor. I thought, "Oh, well, its just a night.. I'll see him at home tomorrow." And then Ethan came home and said, "I'm going to take Tayler and go see your dad tonight." My plan had backfired. I couldn't send my husband and daughter to see MY dad and not go... all because of fear! I was so angry at myself. Mad that I was struggling with something so simple. It's a hospital. People go every day. Why was this so difficult for me? Ethan wasn't mean about it at all. He said he understood.. but he wanted to see my dad. That simple push made me back up a diaper bag, put Quinn in a car seat, and go with him. The entire ride, I was breathing in through my nose out through my mouth. I was nervous, but I knew I HAD to do this. I kept saying over and over, "God, You are the only one that can control my thoughts. You are the only one that control my body besides myself. YOU are the only ONE that can keep me calm. It's You!' We pulled in, got out of the car, made our way to the elevator. I felt peace. We walked in to his hospital room, I felt peace. We stayed there for about 40 minutes.. and Ifelt peace the entire time. We eventually left so dad could eat his dinner.. and as soon as we got in the car, Ethan told me how proud he was of me. When he turned the key, Sara Bareilles' song 'Brave' came on. And about 5 minutes later, Ethan changed the station, and the song as on the next station too. I felt like it was a sign... like maybe, God was proud of me for being brave. I say all this to say-- your soulmate isn't always going to be on your side. They're going to have strengths that you do not have.. and you're going to have weaknesses that they do not have. I am thankful that my soulmate pushed me in a sweet manner to face my fears. That's what a soulmate should be. Someone that holds your hand and makes you face the things that hold you back. I am so thankful that God gives peace. It is truly only Him that can help someone struggling with anxiety. He is the giver of peace and life. He knows our bodies... He CAN help us.. and WILL help us if we ask Him.. and trust Him to!

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