A Thorn in My Flesh

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

(The Message)

I think we have all been here. We all have a 'thorn in our flesh' (as the KJV version calls it.) We all have a handicap (dictionary describes 'handicap' as "any disadvantage that makes success more difficult." And we have all screamed and yelled to God to free us from this 'disadvantage.' I know I have. I remember when I lived at home with my parent's, I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I couldn't even leave my home. My parents and siblings went Christmas shopping one night and I couldn't bring myself to leave, so I stayed home. As they walked out the door, I remember screaming at the top of my lungs

WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!! FUNNY HOW YOU PROMISED TO NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US AND THEN YOU JUST LET ME SUFFER!!!!!!!!!

I was so angry. Trying to yell out the words between not being able to breathe and an immense amount of tears. 

I was abandoned.

At least that's how I felt.

I begged and begged and begged for this to pass me by. I had a good life-- a life that could have been amazing, but anxiety held me back from everything. I dropped out of school. I quit my job. I rarely left my bedroom. I was consumed. And there was no end in sight.

After about 3 months, I felt like God was finally getting ahold of me and creating a way out, but I wasn't 100% better. I still struggled to go anywhere alone. I eventually found a handsome man I get to call my husband and he loved me through the anxiety issues. Even after children, I could go in public, but I never went alone. If I had to run to the store, I waited til my husband got home. If I needed to go in to town, I called my mom. Even driving to take our daughter to school-- I would have to pull over some mornings and blast the air to pull myself together. I got really bad again in January of this year-- anxiety led to overwhelming hypochondria. I could hardly get myself out of bed most days. Every pain, every ache-- fear gripped me. I could see people were worried about me, but I felt like I no longer had control over my mind.

Anxiety suffocated me. Hypochondria was robbing life from me.

And I found myself yet again, begging God to fix me. COME ON GOD. WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!! And once again, I felt alone... like He didn't care... like this was how life was going to be yet again.

And then a few things happened.

1. I realized He couldn't reach through to bless me because I had so much gunk and darkness in my heart. He could hear my prayers, but He couldn't mold me how He needed to because of the sin in my life. I needed a change in my life-- and that change COULD breed peace... but I HAD to make the change myself. 

2. After I started making the changes in my life, I realized that anxiety was my cross to bear. No, not the anxiety that cripples me and makes my life impossible to live. God called us for an abundance of LIFE-- not a life full of fear and anxiousness. BUT.... even Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ, had a 'thorn in his flesh.' It was time for me to accept that this was mine and change my prayers.

3. Instead of begging God to release anxiety from me, I started praying that God would help me to live with this 'thorn in my flesh.' If You aren't going to take it 100% away God, that's Your plan. But You have to help me LIVE with it. I need a fully functional life-- even if I have to push my way through it sometimes.

Paul begged God to release him from his handicap too.

And when he realized God wasn't going to remove it, He finally had the revelation.

God gave him this 'thorn in his flesh' to keep him humble. And with Paul's revelation and the writing of 2 Corinthians, I was able to understand this as well.

Anxiety keeps me humble. It does. For the past 10 years, every single time I walk out the door, I say, "God, be with me. I can't do this without You." Without fail. Every single time I leave the house, I have to say this. Through anxiety, through the thorn in my flesh, I have become FULLY RELIANT on Jesus Christ. Sometimes He has to do what He has to do to get our attention. 

Paul was reliant on Jesus Christ- because Jesus told him that His grace was enough-- it was ALL He needed.

And once Paul he heard that, he quit begging God to take the handicap away and started focusing on LIFE. 

Thank You Jesus for the gift of being one of your people!!! Thank You Jesus for caring enough about my heart and my life that You would give me a disadvantage that keeps me focused on You. I begged and begged for You to take this from me... and although You didn't take it away... I will trust that this thorn in my flesh is for a purpose. I will focus on the gift-- the gift that You keep my mind steadfast on You. I am nothing without You and anxiety reminds me of that. If I have to battle through this (with You) every single day of my life... if I have to battle through this to remind me that You are my peace and comfort.. I'll do it. My weaknesses are made perfect through Your strength. 

And I will trust that.