Titus 2:3-4 states, "Likewise, tell the older women to be reverent in their behavior, teaching what is good, rather than being gossips or addicted to heavy drinking.That way they can mentor young women to love their husbands and children." (CEB)
We are called to be examples- and one of those examples is being a loving and caring wife to our husbands.
Bitterness.
I'll be honest, bitterness changed me in to a wife I didn't know.
I wasn't bitter towards my husband for our past. I wasn't bitter towards my husband because of actions. I was bitter towards my husband because he had friends- he had hobbies- he had invitations to events-- and here I sat at home with our three children. I had this notion in my head that he owed me for some reason. 'How dare he be out with his friends when he worked 40 hours a week and helped me become a stay at home mother to our children!' 'How dare he have a little fun in his life!' 'How dare he have hobbies (when I could have them too, just choose not to!)' HOW DARE HE.
And that bitterness began to take over my attitude, my spirit, my life.
I began to be so angry towards him. I would hold things against him. Give him the cold shoulder when he got home. And this began to eat away at our marriage. I developed this entitled attitude- and to be honest, I don't even know why. He didn't owe me anything. He didn't have to be a miserable person just because I chose not to have a life outside of the home.
Bitterness was ruining my marriage. My depression and anxiety was tearing us apart. My insecurities were poisoning our relationship.
God Changed Me.
As I started to rekindle my relationship with Jesus Christ, I felt Him starting to heal my relationship with my husband as well.
1 Corinthians 7:3 states, "The husband should give his wife what she deserves as his wife. And the wife should give her husband what he deserves as her husband." (ERV)
I should be giving my husband what he deserves as my husband--- and nothing less. Regardless of my emotions. Regardless of what I think. He deserves to be treated with kindness, love, patience, and a happy spirit.
Because of this- I realized I needed to shift my prayers.
I NEEDED the Change.
It was funny.
I rarely prayed for myself (as far as changing goes.) I would pray for others that they would change...but rarely said prayers for myself. I don't think I thought I was perfect per se, but I thought "Man, they need to treat me better"... who knew I needed to treat others better-- especially my husband!
I needed that 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love! Because it was clear that I wasn't loving my husband like I needed to. And our marriage was suffering because of it.
1 Corinthians 13
Paul wrote 1 Corinthians 13 in response to the discussion of spiritual gifts. Men were coming forth with these spiritual gifts: the word of wisdom, the word of knowledge, faith, gifts of healing, working of miracles, prophecy, discerning of spirits, divers kind of tongues, interpretation of tongues. Some began to have a haughty spirit about them- thinking they were better than those 'who seem to be more feeble.' They were wanting the best gifts-- jealous for them. Paul finished 1 Corinthians 12 by saying 'yet shew I unto you a more excellent way......" and 1 Corinthians 13 begins talking about love. If we have the tongues of men and of angels and do not have love, we are just making noise. If we have the gift of prophecy and we have all the faith in the world, but we do not have love with these gifts, we are nothing.
Love is our motive- should always be our motive.
Paul writes:
"Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs....."
When we look at our love towards our husbands, is it similar to the love Paul discusses in 1 Corinthians 13? Or is it like the love I was showing? A terrible representation of how God called us to love?
Love is patient. Well, I was showing my husband zero of that. Angry about everything.
Love is kind. Well, I was giving him the cold shoulder when he aggravated me. I was ignoring text messages. I was miserable and spewing that pain out on him with my words.
Love isn't envious. Well, jealousy due to him having hobbies outside of the home sounds a lot like envy. And a terrible type of envy-- because I could have had a hobby outside of the home.I just chose not to.
Love doesn't boast. Love doesn't brag. Well, I shot myself in the foot there. 'Look how long I've been with the kids. You walk in to a clean house every day, I always have your laundry done, I always have your lunch packed, I always do this.. I always do that, while you're out doing whatever.' I. I. I. Sounds a lot like bragging about what I have done while he was away having 'fun...' (even though I could have been having fun! ;) I was such a miserable person, I hate even thinking about this some days!)
Love doesn't strut itself about. Love is not arrogant. As hard as it is for me to write about, the spirit of arrogance had attached itself to me. I had 'an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.' (The Dictionary) 'How dare he go off and have fun and leave ME here at home with our children all of the time.' 'How dare he not want to spend ALL of his time with ME.' Looking back now-- who would have wanted to. I was grouchy all of the time- complaining- whining- always picking a fight.
Love is never rude, crude, or indecent. Well, I'm guessing rolling my eyes at my husband (or even behind his back) is a sign of being rude? Because I was there! The Bible calls wives to submit themselves to their husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5) and I was a long way from that. I don't know why, but I started feeling 'in charge.' I wanted to be in complete control and when I felt like my husband wouldn't allow that, I became impolite and rude. Interrupting him when he's talking. Hanging up on him. Makes my heart just thinking about it.
Love is not selfish/doesn't just think about itself. Wow- missed that one too. I lost complete sight of what HE needed. The fact that he needed time to himself. I completely started focusing on me, me, me. How dare you leave ME alone. How dare you have a hobby without ME. How dare you not stay home because I choose not to do things outside of the home. How dare you think of anyone but ME.
Love is not easily provoked/easily angered. Yep, kind of off the mark there too. It became to the point where everything was making me angry because I had so much bitterness and wrath stored up. I promise, we were fighting just about every single day there for awhile because I would find something to nitpick him about. Not getting up to help me, sitting while I was doing laundry, running out with friends while I was doing dishes, not helping me enough with the kids..... I became naggy... unhappy... ungrateful. And my marriage was suffocating because of it.
Love doesn't keep record of wrongs. So you mean when we are arguing and I say, 'How about 4 years ago when you did this same thing.. and now I'm the one getting yelled at for it...' Is that keeping record of wrongs? Yes? Well, then I'm guilty because truth of the matter is- I would literally do this every single argument. I would bring up something from the past. Since God has started working on my heart, He has been showing me that anything that happened in the past should be under the blood. If I expect God Almighty to forgive me AND FORGET THE THINGS I'VE DONE... why am I NOT doing this for my husband?!?!?
Love never fails.
And if that is true--- why was my marriage failing?
Because I wasn't showing him TRUE love.
My Journey
God has been taking me on a journey the past 2 months- a journey of finding Him, healing my soul, healing my life, and healing my marriage. I wasn't the person I wanted to be-- and I had no idea to find that person or become that person. I only knew that I desperately wanted it and praying was the only way I could find it.
I began praying, "Jesus, fix me inside and out. Let me reflect you. Let my love be the kind of love you give. Help me to be patient with my husband, kind, not rude. Help me to stop keeping track of wrongs. Release me from the spirit of arrogance. Let me shine You and please help my husband to see my efforts and the changes I am trying to make..."
And you know what?
He did it and keeps doing it every single day. I am so thankful that He didn't leave me where I was. He loved me enough to pick me up and put the broken pieces back together. He is making me in to the wife I WANTED to be but bitterness and anger was stopping that.
I have shifted my focus to: what does my husband need so that I can serve him better. If I ever get to the point where I think 'this is unfair' or 'He owes me this...' I start praying over my mind. God, please do not let me become that miserable woman again. Please help me to keep changing for Your glory... and if there are areas of our marriage that we both need to work on, I ask you to bless my husband's heart as well. But I leave that for YOU to fix-- NOT ME.
We are called to love our husbands, ladies. And that doesn't mean only when he's doing exactly everything we want him to, how we want him to. It means we love him unconditionally and we try to be the best versions of ourselves for him... and when we fall short, we pray that God picks us up, forgives us, and helps us to press forward. We have girls that are probably watching our marriage- seeing us as examples (like God called us to be in Titus 2).. What are we showing them about how a true marriage works?
Love you all today!
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