Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Angry, Mad, Discontent Prayer. Does it Exist? [Day 7]

Trials are not a respecter of persons. They could care less if you have a million dollars in your bank account or $5.00 to your name. They aren't concerned with whether or not you went to college. They aren't going to stay away if you drive a brand new car or wear the finest clothes. They will meet you face to face... regardless.

I'll be honest with you. I've had my fair share of trials in my 26 years. Sure, I might not have had difficult ones in some people's eyes, but I have struggled. I struggled for years with anxiety (and still do at times. It's a constant battle.)

Here's the thing I want us to grasp about trials.

Sometimes, they are brought in to our lives to help US. 

Sometimes, they are brought in to our lives to help OTHERS.

Unfair, huh?

Why should YOU have to go through something to benefit someone else? 

It's called being a BLESSING.

I'll use myself for example.

Like I previously stated, I have struggled with Anxiety for years. I dealt with it as a teenager. I think 8th grade was the first time I really encountered it. My breathing would get all off.. I would feel like I couldn't catch my breath. I honestly have no idea what triggered it. I just know I faced it. It was only something that happened periodically through high school, but when college came along, it all went down hill. I'm not sure if it was the huge change that took place.. and I was struggling to handle it or what.. but regardless, I ended up dropping out of college in December 2006. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I transferred to a local college in January 2007, but still struggled to keep my head above the water. One day during my math class, the girl next to me had a seizure. I quickly packed my bags, walked out the door, ran to my car crying... trying to catch my breath, drove away, and never came back. I dropped out again. Fortunately, I was able to get enrolled in to an online school in February 2007-- the only way I was going to get my degree. I maintained online school and still worked as a waitress for a few years, but everything really started going down hill in 2009. Around June 2009, I started calling off constantly. Anxiety was overwhelming me at work as well. It was slowly stripping everything away from me. In September 2009, I was let go. And then everything fell apart. I refused to leave the house some time after that.

And you know the story about meeting my husband and him changing my world. If you don't read THIS

Today, I can go in to public. I am running a successful photography business, but I still struggle to go to stores and doctors offices alone. 

The question I faced now was: WHY

Why did I have to go through this? Why was I picked? Why can't I control my mind like I want to? Why can't I just shut my brain off sometimes? Why do I think I have every disease known to man? Why do I get scared thinking about certain things? WHY.

Then the question was WHAT.

What can I learn from this? What is the point? What was the purpose? What if I never get better?

I sought His face for the longest time. I needed understanding. I'll admit it, folks. I questioned Him. I'm not one of those 'always happy when I'm talking to God' people. I'm raw. I kind of feel like David a bit. It's not always roses and butterflies. It's REAL. Some might say, 'You shouldn't be like that towards the Almighty...' but He's my FRIEND. I'm real with my friends. I'm real with Him. If I am hurt, I tell Him. If I am angry, I tell Him. Here's the thing, guys... HE ALREADY KNOWS ;) He knows you're mad. He knows you're frustrated. He knows you're hurt. He knows you're confused... go ahead and tell Him. He wants that. He wants you to be honest with Him. Of course, we could be like the Pharisees--- go by the status quo. But how is that TRUE WORSHIP? How is that TRUE PRAYER?

So, I got angry with God. I yelled at Him. I've screamed at the top of my lungs how mad I was at Him. I've been standing on the stairs at my parent's house screaming.


Yes, I said all of that to Him.

And you know what?

He listened to me.. and responded with COMPASSION.

He took me through a journey and gave me a revelation:

You're doing this for others.

Not to put myself on a pedestal, but I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person. I can have a lot on plate and not crack. He built me that way. And He showed me that. I'll never forget the day that He told me, 'Some people will feel hopeless during this.. and feel they have no escape route. You know You have me. You trust in that even when I seem to be distant. Some people would not be able to handle this load.... You are getting stronger for them. Aren't they worth it, Alyssa? Isn't my creation worth it? Someone is going to need you to face this one day... Someone is going to need your advice... your wisdom... Someone is going to need your experience. Face it baby... you can do this!'

And my attitude changed from that day on.

Someone is going to need me one day. I have to be strong.

Instead of looking at your trials and sufferings as a 'curse'... look at them as a 'blessing' (as tough as it is.) God saw it fit to give you this journey because HE wants to use YOU!!!! He wants to use your experiences to help others that might not see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Baby, I know you might feel like you're drowning today, but you aren't. I promise you. There is a purpose even though you don't see it. I didn't see it for years, but through angry.... raw.... discontent... frustrated... mad prayer and worship...

I found it. 

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