Writing Challenge: Day 8 [07.24.2019]

Day 8 of "The Writing Challenge" is: Share something you struggle with.

It is no surprise to many reading this (if you've followed my journey through the years) that my greatest struggle is with fear. I honestly don't know how much of this obstacle I have shared with all of you, but I figured now is as good as time as ever to be raw with you.

December 2006, I was in a public speaking class at one of our local colleges. Someone was giving their speech (along with a slideshow) that shared some graphic images. I started getting really hot and had to leave the room due to feeling like I was going to pass out. It was super odd to me because I'd never felt that way before. Then, it happened again at Walmart a few days later. I was standing at the check out line and I started getting hot and sweaty and felt like I was going to pass out. I threw my stuff down on the counter and ran out of the store. The next day, I didn't show up for my college classes. And the next day, I didn't show up again. And then- I quit.

I dropped out of college. And pretty soon after that, I basically dropped out of life as well. I stopped going places. I stopped going out with friends. I didn't want to be behind the wheel of the car. I didn't want to go to stores. What if this passing out feeling happened again? What if I was driving? What if I was alone? What if I was in the store? What if I was at work?

I literally lost everything.

I dropped out of college.
I lost the "closeness" people shared with their friends.
I lost my sense of independence.
I lost my job.
I lost my sanity.
I lost my faith in God.

I was broken. And struggling.

I struggled to leave the house in early 2007, but I still managed.
But by 2008, I could barely get out the door. There was a point where I didn't leave the house for months. Fear had me gripped and bound.

This was 13 years ago- and I still struggle to this day.

Obviously, strength found me and I was able to leave the house. I met my husband (only over the phone at first) and we eventually moved in together (but only after he understood the depths of my fears.) I eventually had children and powered through medical anxiety as well.

But, leaving the house alone.. going places alone... it's STILL a struggle. I still find myself trapped within the four walls of my home. And there are days I have to push myself out the door in order to do things... still... 13 years later.

It's this fear of being trapped somewhere. Stuck in the back of a store. Stuck in traffic. Having to wait for a meal at a restaurant. Being somewhere with someone who doesn't understand the depths of my anxiety. Who can't calm me down when I'm panicking. It's that fear of passing out.. a constant fear.

It probably doesn't make sense to anyone, but it is real for me. And a struggle for me every day. I try and have faith in God Almighty and hope that one day He will have mercy on me. I don't do anything to deserve it. I am a mess of a person and don't deserve a healing, but I pray that He sees fit one day.

What are your struggles? Where do you find yourself pleading for help?