A Look Back at 2013.

According to Facebook, my top posts of the year were:

1. THANK THE LORD. Our appraisal on our house passed AND the money was disbursed for the amazing couple that is purchasing our home which meanssssssssssss.... we are closing in THREE WEEKS!!!!! I know, we are nuts! It's going to be super busy between now and May. Photo sessions... preparing for Quinn... Easter... packing... finding a place to live.. moving... hospital stay once I have Quinn... Please just pray that we find a place that is PERFECT for our family, that is affordable.. and that all goes smoothly the next few weeks. We appreciate it.. and we definitely appreciate all of the prayers thus far. I am just sooo excited for this new chapter in our lives and I am really excited for the couple that is buying our home. Our realtor said they are SO excited which makes me even more excited.

Looking Back: We ended up closing on our house the day I turned 37 Weeks pregnant. We had the house entirely packed and ready to move. We found a gorgeous 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment to rent and moved in on April 17th, 2013. We unpacked and were ready to go before Quinn arrived on May 2nd, 2013. 

2. I gave birth to the most perfect baby girl (in 2013 of course) at 3:50 this morning! She was 6lbs 12oz and 21" long. Quite a funny labor story I will share later, but she is absolutely amazing! I can't stop crying. Big sister was asleep when Quinn was born, so she will get to see her tomorrow I am so happy and I feel so blessed!! I have had my shower.. Now it's time for a nap!!! thanks for all of the prayers. We are so in love!!!

Looking Back: We were so blessed with the birth of Quinn. She has changed our lives in more ways than one. Her birth is one that I will never forget. She wasn't breathing when she was born due to her umbilical cord being around her neck two times, but thank You Jesus that she came when she did and we were blessed with a healthy girl! 

3. -- I can't remember a time my parents ever raised their voices at each other. I can't remember a time where my mom or dad disrespected each other in front of me. I can remember my dad being there when we got home from school with supper ready. I can remember my parents being at every school event for me. I can remember my parents being one of the first people to hold both of my girls. I can remember watching my parents play with Tayler. I can remember prayers at bed time, letters before going to school to take tests, and the building of a friendship as opposed to just a parental/child relationship. This is what I remember over the past 26 years. I know it hasn't always been easy for my parents, but I have to say they have shown me how to raise my children. They have been an incredible example of faithfulness.. and love. Happy 26th wedding anniversary Mom and Dad! Ethan, Tayler, Quinn, and myself love you guys so much!

Looking Back: My parents have been more than parents and grandparents to my family-- they have been friends. They have helped us when no one else would in certain situations. We are so blessed to have them active in our lives... and our girls are blessed even more to have such an amazing Papaw and Gigi!

4. You know, Ethan and I don't have a perfect relationship. We've had our fair share of obstacles in the 4 years we have been together. We had to learn about each other's habits quickly. We had to adjust to living with someone who was just as stubborn as we were. We've had arguments. We've had fights. We've had moments where we have said things we didn't mean. We've slammed doors. Taken breathers. The only difference between us and those who let these things destroy them is: We make a decision to choose each other every single morning. When I wake up, I choose him. I choose to let our love override any 'bad' thing that might come our way. I choose to remain faithful to him. I choose to do small things for him through out the day. I choose to uplift him. I choose to pray for him. I choose to trust him. I choose to be his best friend. We don't have it all together. We aren't rich. We don't have the biggest house. We sometimes barely make it. But we LOVE. We know no matter what, we will wake up in the morning and choose each other all over again... even if we went to bed on not always perfect terms. We know we will wake up and choose our family over anything else. We know we will strive to be a loving husband and wife.. because our children deserve it. I'm very thankful that I have a teammate. Someone that helps me.. he doesn't just go to work. He comes home and helps me with things around the house, with our kids, with my photography. I don't know where I would be without him. It hasn't always been an easy road getting to this point in life, but I'm thankful despite the troubles, it led me to this. I know I don't always says it enough, but I appreciate my husband more than he will ever know.    

Looking Back: I wrote a lot of mushy posts about Ethan in 2013. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm in love. Some people say I put too much on Facebook.. I say too much.. but words are my outlet. That's the only way I know to explain how I am feeling. 

5. I know you all are probably sick of seeing videos of my child talking, but when you pray so hard for so long.. And you see progress and blessings, you have to share them with everyone! She is talking so much anymore and I couldn't be more grateful :) I've never heard her say any of the 'Yo Gabba Gabba' characters until today. And to that I say-- Lord You are so good!!!!! This is beautiful to hear!!!!

Looking Back: God has blessed us so much in 2013! We were so concerned at the beginning of the year because Tayler was not communicating very much... and then out of no where, she starts learning her letters, her numbers, songs, Yo Gabba Gabba characters... slowly, but surely she is learning to communicate with us verbally and I couldn't feel MORE blessed this year!!!

6. 3 years ago today, I said 'I do.' I was 23 years old. I had no idea what marriage meant. I had no idea the 'commitment' that would come from it. When we had our first argument after being married, I thought, 'Holy crap. I can't just break up with him. I can't just walk out that door and act like this never happened.' This is a promise. A vow. Before I got married, I always wondered how it worked. How can you pick one person out of the billion of people walking this planet and think, 'Yep, I am going to love you forever. Through thick and thin. Through life's changes. Through rock bottom and sky high.' How is that possible? Then I found Ethan. I saw how he could make me want to pull my hair out in the morning.. And I'd still find myself searching for him in a room full of people at night. I realized then that it is possible to love someone forever because I understood that loving someone isn't conditional to circumstances or behavior or looks. It's a connection. That feeling in your soul when you look at them and you feel safe... Alive.. Happy... And home. I'm thankful it only took me 23 years to find that. Happy Anniversary, Ethan. Thanks for finding me! I love you!!

Looking Back: A perfect ending to our year. Our 3 year wedding anniversary was on December 28, 2013. These are the only things I knew to say. We aren't perfect, but we are in love. I'm so thankful I married him 3 years ago!

   

Subtracting in 2014.

A New Year is quickly approaching us and I am sure everyone is starting to analyze their lives. They are embracing what worked for them in 2013 and attempting to fix what didn't work for them in 2013. I've always been one to make resolutions. I've also been one to never keep a resolution either. Laying in bed last night, I thought about why I can't keep my resolutions. They're typically simple ones...

lose weight, be a better Mother, be a better wife, spend more time with friends, get organized, save money

But they end up moving to the back of my mind as the year progresses and I forget what I'm striving for. I lose sight and I fall in to my old routines. It's frustrating.

Then I realized what my problem is.

I struggle with ADDING to my life. 

I need to be SUBTRACTING so I can SLOW DOWN.

I wish I could tell you where the past 3 years went since I had my first daughter. I really do. I remember bringing her home from the hospital on April 3rd, 2011 and I look over at her now singing and dancing to a song on 'Yo Gabba Gabba' and I sigh. How did that happen? 

I wish I could tell you where the past 8 months went since I had my second daughter. I really do. I remember bringing her home from the hospital on May 5th, 2013 and I look over at her now playing with toys, giggling, and laughing at her sister and I sigh. How did that happen?

I wish I could tell you where the past 4 years went since I met my husband. I really do. I remember hearing his voice for the first time on December 23, 2009 and I look at us now and see a couple that has struggled and survived, had two beautiful little girls and I sigh. How did that happen?

Life is fast.

I remember graduating high school like it was yesterday... and then I hear someone talking about '2005' and I realize that was almost 10 years ago. I'm nearing 30.. when did that happen?

Life is fast.

And so I want to start SUBTRACTING from my life instead of ADDING. I want to slow down. I don't want my resolutions to be more work. I want them to be less work, but more beneficial.

What am I subtracting from my life in 2014?

1. I am subtracting negativity from my life. As the saying goes, 'Ain't nobody got time for that!' Seriously, I don't. I am so tired of negativity whether it be from my own mind or those around me. Negativity is a poison. It is a disease and it will eat you alive from the inside out. I'm so sick of being that person. Of being the person that automatically jumps to the worst possible conclusion out there. Of being the person that listens to junk from other human beings. If you want to be a Debbie Downer, that's on your own time, but no more coming to me with it. I am subtracting negativity from my life in 2014.. that way POSITIVITY can be added! 

2. I am subtracting social media. No, not entirely.. (are you crazy!) but I am subtracting it in the evenings. It's sad how a 'movie night' in our family, I still have my I-phone right next to me. No more. As I previously said, my babies are almost 3 years old and 8 months old.. do I really want them to remember their Mother as the person that constantly had her phone/laptop in front of her face? No way! I want to be spending time with them... looking at their little toes, hearing them giggle, playing 'airplane' (my almost 3 year olds favorite), counting, learning, playing outside, taking walks, enjoying movies as a family. I am subtracting social media from my life in 2014.. that way FAMILY TIME can be added!

3. I am subtracting clutter from my life. I look around at our 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom apartment and ponder, 'Why did I even begin to think that I could fit all of this CRAP into this place!' I am serious. There is junk everywhere. It's craziness! I wouldn't say I am a hoarder, but more like a 'sentimental snuggler of all things precious.' Yes, I hold on to everything. Decorations from Tayler's 2nd birthday, napkins from a random party, receipts from 3 years ago that do not matter (am I going to get audited for a meal at Burger King?), wires and cords from devices that we haven't had since Christmas 2010, 9600000 plastic bags... It's serious, folks. So, in 2014, I promise to subtract clutter.. that way ORGANIZATION can be added! (I am starting today!)

4. I am subtracting YELLING from my life. I know, I'm sure you are all giving me a really weird look right now, but this is something that has been weighing on my heart. I am so sick of being a 'yeller.' I am not a loud yeller by any means, but a stern. I hate being that person. I yell at my husband, my daughter, random objects laying around the house.. I feel like my 'yelling' breeds hostility and a negative environment. No more. I want to be a gentle speaker. I don't want my daughters to look back in 15 years and think, 'Man, Mom yelled a lot.' Now, please don't get me wrong here. I believe in discipline. I don't mean that. I just mean yelling during simple moments. Tayler accidentally spills a drink, I yell. Ethan drops a plate, I yell. I refuse to be that wife or mother starting today. I am subtracting yelling from life so PEACE can be added!

5. I am subtracting my photography business from my life. Not the entire business, but a great deal of it. I am slowing down. No more staying up til 2AM to get editing done. No more 50 photo sessions in a month. I am downgrading. Of course, the money is nice, but I am a different person and I hate that. I'm a grump. I'm moody. And I don't use my camera to capture my children. Please don't get me wrong. I love taking pictures. It is a huge passion of mine, but I am getting so lost in the 'business aspect' that I'm not being the wife OR mother that I could be. My house is a disaster. (Or I guess WAS a disaster. I've been on break since December 17th) The laundry was behind. My children never saw their mother. My husband only got ranting and moodiness. No more. I'm cutting back because I want to ENJOY my life. I am so tired of being stressed out. I used to enjoy it, now I dread it.. and that is changing. I am taking on less photo sessions during the month so I can spend more time with my kids. I am subtracting business from life.. so CAPTURING MOMENTS WITH MY CHILDREN can be added!

6. I am subtracting busyness from my life. I guess this can go along with #5, but I'm talking about busyness in general.. for my husband myself. I want to be able to spend more time with my family and friends. I want to make time to see my extended family, my husband's extended family, our friends. I feel like in 2013, we were just TOO busy. And that's a shame because when we pass on from this life, we aren't going to be laying there thinking about our jobs, our money, our extracurricular activities.. we are going to be thinking, 'I just wish I'd spent more time with my family.. my friends.' That's changing for the Bay family in 2014. We are going to cut back on extracurricular things.. so FAMILY/FRIENDS can be added!

Life is short. The Bible says that it is like a vapor.. it's here and then it's gone. What do you want to remember when you pass on from this life? Your job or your family? Your negativity or your ability to embrace the positive? What do you want your family and friends to remember of you? How busy you were? Or how welcoming you were?

I'm making some changes in 2014.

These are the things I want to SUBTRACT from my life in 2014!

How about you??

Anxiety... and Peace

You know, the saying goes, “There's no such thing as the perfect soulmate. If you meet someone and you think they're perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction. 'Cause your soulmate is the person that pushes all your buttons, ticks you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your stuff." I didn't fully understand that quote until yesterday. As most people know, I struggle with anxiety.. especially when it comes with anything medical. I rarely go to the hospital to visit people. Some people ask me how I had two children and I simply say-- I go to the doctor appointments for them, not me.. and somehow it makes it slightly easier (although I still struggle with being nervous!) Well, as many as of you know, my dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday. He has a blood clot in his leg. Immediately I became overwhelmed with fear. For him.. and selfishly, for me. That was my dad. The person who would drop anything for me. I HAD to go see him, but how? How would I make myself go? What if I panicked? There's no escape route on the 3rd floor. I thought, "Oh, well, its just a night.. I'll see him at home tomorrow." And then Ethan came home and said, "I'm going to take Tayler and go see your dad tonight." My plan had backfired. I couldn't send my husband and daughter to see MY dad and not go... all because of fear! I was so angry at myself. Mad that I was struggling with something so simple. It's a hospital. People go every day. Why was this so difficult for me? Ethan wasn't mean about it at all. He said he understood.. but he wanted to see my dad. That simple push made me back up a diaper bag, put Quinn in a car seat, and go with him. The entire ride, I was breathing in through my nose out through my mouth. I was nervous, but I knew I HAD to do this. I kept saying over and over, "God, You are the only one that can control my thoughts. You are the only one that control my body besides myself. YOU are the only ONE that can keep me calm. It's You!' We pulled in, got out of the car, made our way to the elevator. I felt peace. We walked in to his hospital room, I felt peace. We stayed there for about 40 minutes.. and Ifelt peace the entire time. We eventually left so dad could eat his dinner.. and as soon as we got in the car, Ethan told me how proud he was of me. When he turned the key, Sara Bareilles' song 'Brave' came on. And about 5 minutes later, Ethan changed the station, and the song as on the next station too. I felt like it was a sign... like maybe, God was proud of me for being brave. I say all this to say-- your soulmate isn't always going to be on your side. They're going to have strengths that you do not have.. and you're going to have weaknesses that they do not have. I am thankful that my soulmate pushed me in a sweet manner to face my fears. That's what a soulmate should be. Someone that holds your hand and makes you face the things that hold you back. I am so thankful that God gives peace. It is truly only Him that can help someone struggling with anxiety. He is the giver of peace and life. He knows our bodies... He CAN help us.. and WILL help us if we ask Him.. and trust Him to!

Hey, First-Time Mother!

I overheard a conversation last night between a pregnant, first-time Mom... and a Mom of 3 kids (I'd say all of her kids were somewhere between 1-5 years old...) And this is how the conversation went:

First Time Mom: I'm feeling a lot of emotions... I'm excited... I'm nervous... I'm anxious... I just want to be a great parent. 

Mom of 3: Oh, honey! You are going to absolutely love being a parent. It is amazing. You will be wonderful at it because you were called to do this. 

First Time Mom: I know I am going to love it... I'm just nervous about balancing it all.. work, being a Mom, being a wife, taking care of a house. I don't know how it's all going to come together, you know? I know it will be exhausting, but worth it.

Mom of 3: Oh honey, you will be so good at this! Don't worry at all. I love being a Mother... I think it's really simple to balance everything. You will get in to a routine and it will be a piece of cake, I promise! Our house runs so smoothly anymore! My husband and I love it!

While I am sure 'Mom of 3' was just trying to give encouragement, I think it's dangerous to tell a first-time Mom, "Once you get in to a routine.. it will all be a piece of cake. I PROMISE!'

Here's the advice I would give to a first-time Mother if they ask.

It's not a piece of cake. 

Now, don't get me wrong here, folks.

I LOVE being a Mommy. It is the greatest gift God could have given me and I DO NOT take it for granted. I know there are women that try to have children and unfortunately, they cannot. I know I am blessed that we are able to have healthy, happy children. I thank God for them every single night after I wrestle them both to sleep ;)

What I'm saying here is... I'm not going to blow rainbows and butterflies up your butt.

Being a Mother is one of the toughest, most rewarding jobs out there....

but I stress TOUGHEST.

Nothing gets my panties in a bunch more than eavesdropping (oops) in to conversations from pro-Moms to soon-to-be Moms and hearing angels sing as she is talking. Being a Mother is a breeze for you? Awesome! You never want a break from your kids? Way to go.

But I am guessing you are the exception.

Being a Mother is tough.

When you see those two blue lines, you better get ready for a wild ride.

Did you like your sleep before this? Well, suck it up. Because that's done for the next 18 years (maybe even longer if you're a worry wart, haha) Soon, you'll be seeing 2AM, 4AM, 6AM, and hearing your alarm clock going off.... while simultaneously hearing the screams of a newborn. Oh, sure. You'll try and coax them back to sleep with a binky, but bottom line is... They're hungry. So, you'll spend the next 30 minutes feeding them, trying to keep them awake to actually finish the bottle, burping them, and laying them back down. 

Personal time? Get outta here. You wanna know how I pee? With a 5-month old laying in her rock and play, right in front of me, staring... and with a 2-year old begging me to let her take a bath for the 19th time today. And guess what? I let her. You pick your battles, folks. Ha! Wanna know how I shower if I have to get it done through the day and nap time is no where in sight? With a 2-year old crawling all under my feet, crying when shampoo drips down on to the floor, covering her eyes from the evil water... It's fun! ;)

Oh, your friends wanted to meet up for food in 20-minutes? Yeah, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. You've got a diaper bag to pack, kids to install in car seats, and you better wipe those spit-up stains off your shirt and jeans, sexy.

You got your favorite TV shows? That's cute. Well, you better think it's even cuter to watch them on DVR at midnight on a Friday night because that's the only time you get the TV to yourself. Before you know it, 'Yo Gabba Gabba' and 'Mickey Mouse' will be taking over your TV in ways you would have never imagined. You'll even find yourself singing along. Scary.

Becoming a Mom for the first time means not functioning in the morning until you have at least 5 cups of coffee coursing through your veins. It means late nights, early mornings, pretending that make-up from the day before is your make-up for that doctor's appointment this morning. It means running behind schedule, spending money on necessities as opposed to wants, sniffing butts to see if another human being has pooped, changing diapers that change your nail polish, begging kids to eat (even if it means a happy meal from McDonalds for the second time this week.) It means thinking a vacation is a 10-minute shower alone. You might even have time to shave your legs. Dream, girl. Dream.

But being a Mom for the first time also means that you will learn what it's like to fall in love with someone before you even know what eye color they will have. Being a first time Mom means you will finally understand what unconditional love really is. It means you will know what warm cuddles after bath time are... what it's like to see another human being in pain and realizing you would give your own life just to make it stop. You will fall more in love with your husband as you watch him laugh and play as soon as he walks in the door from work. It means you will finally understand what everyone has been telling you for years... "Life goes by too quickly" because one day, you'll be giving birth, and the next... you will be planning their 3rd birthday party. Becoming a mom for the first time means that you will get to kiss booboos, make bad dreams disappear, change their wet butts so they find comfort, take millions of pictures (some of which you'll forget to print off.) Being a first time Mom means you will finally understand the true meaning of family. You'll realize that watching 'The Lorax' at 9pm beats any bar atmosphere you'll find. Being a Mom for the first time....

is hard work,

but worth every bit of it.

First time Mom, I don't want you to get this false realization from some women that it's 'easy.' I've heard it from someone before. 'I can't wait to be a Mom some day. I love all of the cute outfits I see you put on your daughters. I love all of the pictures you post of bath time... and taking walks. Makes me want to be a Mom. It looks so fun!'

It is fun.

But what you don't see in my pictures is a 12:30AM feeding when I just got my 2-year old to sleep at 11:45PM. A 4-month old teething so bad that nothing will soothe her. Non-stop screaming on 45-minute car rides to church. I-phones soaked in cups of coffee. Laundry piled up so high you can't see the 2nd shelf in her bathroom closet.

Being a Mother is hardwork.

It's not for the faint of heart... it's not for the selfish. 

It is for the caring... it is for the loving. It is for those that have realized that although you might smell all day long... and although you might have dishes piled up in your sink from 3 days ago... your floors haven't been swept in weeks.. you're covering up the bags under your eyes with make-up... you know you're still blessed.

First time Mother, I would never call parenting 'a piece of cake.' We are all just trying to do our best. And that's all anyone can really ask of us. All you need to know about being a first-time Mom is this:

You're going to love that little 7 pound cutie with all of your heart.

Everything else will fall in to place... even though sometimes it might not feel like it.

If you're struggling at first, that's alright... we were all there.

If you're struggling 6 months down the road, that's alright... we were all there.

Being a Mother is hard work.

But it's the best thing you will ever do with that precious life you have been given.

Enjoy it. Take it all in--- even the bad days (because you will have them!) It's not going to always be sunshine and flowers... but I always like to quote one of my favorite movies in situations like this:

"You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next."

Breathe, first time Mother. You're in for the ride of your life.

Why I Stopped "Serving God Because I'm Scared" [Day 12]

I'll be honest with you.

There was a time in my life where I did good because I wanted to receive good. I remember when I used to work as a waitress and, honest to goodness, I would listen to 'holy' music before work... I would make sure I kept everything perfect.. so I would receive His blessings at work. I was scared something bad would happen, I would make a mistake... so I would seek perfection in order to attain favor.

I was motivated by fear.

I remember going to sleep at night and saying, "Please make me clean. I want to go to Heaven... I'm so scared of Hell. Keep me right in your eyes so I can attain Heaven as my home."

I was motivated by fear.

For awhile, I was able to push 'fear' to the back of my mind. I quit worrying about attaining favor through doing good and just lived... until recently.

Fear has crept back in to my life. I'm not exactly sure why, but it has become a motivator again. I have been struggling to even sleep because fear has gripped my heart. I have found myself seeking His face over and over again... "Make me holy in Your eyes. If I die tonight, I want to make Heaven my home." But guess what? Not one time did I say, "Make me holy in Your eyes... BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME."

I have seen churches operate through fear. I understand we must grasp hold of reality. Yes, we all have a heart.. and yes, one day that heart is going to stop beating. I am sure everyone understands this. But to say things like, "If you die, where are you going...." to motivate individuals to turn their lives over to God....

I think we're missing the point.

Saturday night (9/7/2013) I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning..I could feel a stirring inside of me... God had something He wanted to say, I just had to listen.

When I talk about God speaking to me, I don't claim to be perfect. I don't even claim to feel 'deserving' of these little talks I get. I'm a simple servant.. a sinner... that just loves talking to Him. And even greater-- I love listening to Him.

I finally laid on my back, closed my eyes, and listened.

The first thing He said to me was:

"If you're serving me because You're scared... stop now.. because that isn't what I want."

BOOM.

It hit me.

He hit the nail on the head. 

I can't tell you how many times I think about making Heaven my home on a daily basis. I can't tell you how many times I see people writing on Facebook about how people need to come to Jesus because Heaven and Hell are real and which one do you want to make your home...

But God told me that night...

YOU PEOPLE HAVE IT ALL WRONG!

If you serve me... love me... worship me... seek my face.. to try and just make Heaven your home... you've got it all wrong.

He explained it to me like this:

Why do you love, Ethan? (My husband)

So, I started listing all of the things I love about him: He cares for me, protects me, always has the right thing to say, encourages me.

God said:

So you don't love him because you're scared of him? You don't love him because you want him to do good things for you?

I said:

Of course not, God. If we lived in a shack, I'd still love him. I don't love him because of the outcome-- I love him because he is good to me, because he loves me!

AHA! THE POINT!!!

He doesn't want us loving Him because we're scared. What kind of love is that? It's not pure. It's not true. It's only foundation is 'fear.'

If there wasn't anything after this life-- no heaven... no hell... nothing...

I'D STILL LOVE YOU JESUS!

Why??

Because He breathed the breath of life in to me! He gave me a chance to experience love.. family... children.. LIFE. He wouldn't have to do one more thing.. and I'd still love Him.. because I LOVE His Spirit!!! I love His presence!

Saturday night changed something for me.

I stopped serving God out of fear.

I started serving God out of love.

I don't love the Lord because I'm afraid of going to hell. I don't try to do good because I'm afraid if I don't, I will have an awful fate.

I love the Lord because He is good to me. THAT'S IT. I love Him because He loves me! Because He cares for me. Because He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Are you serving God out of fear... or out of pure love?

LADIES [Day 11]

Self-worth. Self-confidence. Self-esteem.

Something each and every woman struggles with at some point in her life. What am I worth? Does someone need me? How do others see me? Am I enough? What did I do wrong? Am I still desired? Am I important to someone? Does someone care? How does my hair look? Does this outfit make me look fat? What will they think if I walk in front of them? I wonder what they are thinking about what I just said? Will what I say even matter?

These are the kind of questions that float in women's minds every single day. And if they aren't consuming your mind at some point in time, then let me just say that these questions plague me at least once a day. What is my worth? Really trying to get a grasp on that, I received a book for my birthday from an amazing friend called "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge and I have to say that it opened my eyes to a whole new realm of who exactly a woman is.

There have been numerous jokes about how women were created last because God had to create a rough draft before the masterpiece [to all males, just go on and laugh. It's just a joke ;)] but it in all honesty, this is truth. In the Bible, God stated that "it was not good for man to be alone." So what did He bring along? A woman. Captivating (an amazing book you should all check out!) states, "Step to a window ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves ‘The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.'" I AM worth something. The beauty within me has meaning and is needed in this world.

We can be fragile souls. We can cry at the drop of a hat. We can bite your head off about something you may feel is petty. We can spend hours getting dressed for one night out. We can clean a house top to bottom to prepare for guests. We can make you mad some days and make you smile the others, but in all truth and honesty, we have a worth that is not known by most and it is vital that we begin realizing this.

Society today has pin-pointed what a woman SHOULD be but has yet to reveal what a woman CAN be. We are often suppressed by rules... by opinions.. by traditions of what a real lady should be. It is sad to say, but true. However, we have the choice to go against the status quo and be who we want to be. Captivating states, "I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I have ever met feels it- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is SHAME, the universal companion of all women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."

But please, look in the mirror today and see your beauty. Don't be trapped under society's thoughts of WHO you are. Be the girl that you see in your reflection. Follow your heart. Follow your desires. Be all that you can be because life is just way too short not to. Captivating stated that women need three things: "We desire a beauty that is worth pursuing, too be needed, and to be irreplaceable." How true is this? And the truth of the matter is: You are all of this and someday, someone will realize that.

Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis stated, "I am a woman above everything else.." and what a beautiful statement. Remember today your worth as a woman. You are beautiful sweetie. You have so much to offer this world. Be that girl. Be that woman.. and today..


realize your worth.

#ezrA

**IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE SEASON FINALE OF 'PRETTY LITTLE LIARS' DO NOT READ AHEAD. THERE ARE SPOILERS!

I usually write some sort of inspirational devotional for all of my readers, but today, things are different.

I have a vent.

In all honesty, a TV show shouldn't have me this worked up. I'll admit it. But here's the problem: IT DOES.

Yes, at 8:59PM last night, my whole world was rocked. There were implications at the very end that Ezra was in fact A (or part of 'Team A' since there seem to be many!)

I screamed. I threw my phone. I kept saying, 'NOT EZRA! NO! NO! NO! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!!' (And don't sit there judging... you know you were doing it too, haha)

I was shocked. Even after the show ended, I sat there contemplating what I had just watched. Is he really 'A?' As I was getting ready for bed, I was asking all kinds of questions aloud. Brushing my teeth, I said, "Did he follow Aria when the season began because he knew he needed an 'in' with at least one of those girls?' Putting on my pajamas, I said, "Was he having a relationship with Ali before the series even began?' I had tons of questions and no answers.

So, I thought I would take a minute today to break things down for myself.

Here's what we do know:

As the season finale was coming to a close, we see the girls leave what is believed to be "A's lair" where she (or he) has been keeping track of the girl's every move with photos on a timeline, security cameras, and more. After the girls walk out, it cuts to a man walking in to the room. As we see his face, we see it is Ezra with some kind of blue uniform on with a hat. He throws a tantrum, tossing the closet door shut. He looks angry.

BUT.

Here's what I am wondering...

Is he angry because he is part of the 'A Team' (hence #ezrA) or is he angry because 'A' is harassing the girls again and Aria didn't tell him about it?

We know that he and Aria kissed during this episode. And I thought something was being rekindled. Part of me believes Ezra is still one of the good guys and he is just ticked off because he sees someone has been following Aria. BUT, he could very well be angry because they have discovered HIS lair. Remember CeCe Drake has been listening to he and Aria's conversations... and watching them. Is she doing this because she is scared of him? Or is he the next victim?

At 3:00AM, I was laying in bed, dreaming about 'Pretty Little Liars.' I wish I was kidding, folks. I have been sucked in completely. My dream woke me up and had me thinking about whether or not Ezra could in fact be 'A' or even be on the 'A Team.' I honestly don't think he could be.

Here's why:

1. Aria went to Maggie's classroom to see Malcolm for herself before she even told Ezra that there was a possibility he was the father. Wouldn't Ezra have seen this if he were 'A?' And if he was just on the 'A-Team' and they truly were tracking the girl's every move, wouldn't one of the members have told Ezra prior to him just 'finding out?'

2. Aria kissed Ezra's brother while they were dating, right? If this is true, why didn't he ask about it? Nothing was revealed. It was as if it never happened. Now, I know that if I were 'snooping' on my boyfriend (or husband) and I saw him kiss my sister... whether I was supposed to know that information or not... I would be asking about it. I wouldn't act like nothing happened. If Ezra is 'A' or at least part of the team, why didn't he say anything about it?

3. If Ezra is 'A' or part of 'Team A', why would he suggest to Maggie to leave Malcolm there with him? Wouldn't he be too busy at his lair to take care of his alleged son? And wouldn't his son notice he is gone a great deal of the time?

All of this has been running through my mind all morning. And don't think for one second I'm not smacking myself in the face because I am this worked up over a TV show. I know. But 'Pretty Little Liars' just throws twists in and you wonder how they even freaking work. Ticks me off, haha!

Having said all of that, I do not believe Ezra is really part of the 'A-Team.' Too many things do not add up.

What are your thoughts?